What I Want....

I've never REALLY known what I wanted, in any aspect of my life. It changes on a whim. It changes when the wind blows. I, however, can narrow it down by what I do not want.

I dug up my concept life map I made in a college class, in it was a pro/con list of traits I desire in a partner. Surprisingly enough, I still feel the same. I mean, the list I created was very honest and very specific. It is not often I find you can still agree with a list you made 6 years ago.

In it, I detailed someone who had their own life, passions, career; who was of both sound body, mind and potentially soul. Someone who was smart without pomp, someone who was funny without slapstick, someone who understood without being judgmental. I did however neglect to include the qualities he must bring to the relationship table. Like, someone who can effectively communicate regardless of the situation. Or someone who knows better than to let silence/time resolve an issue. Someone who understands that attention and affection are very important to me--and the relationship I (we) am (are) in. I realize, maybe this is an impossible man, and maybe, just maybe, I've been searching for the impossible man.

A man so impossible, that I seem to find pieces of him in the fantastic assholes I seem to date. I catch myself "settling" for a good part instead of a great whole. (I am sooooo insightful) Men who are smart (bookishly smart), but constantly make me feel stupid. Men who refuse to talk to me, but keep me in the same room. Men who give me attention or affection but no attachment. Men who use me and retain me, but add others to the equation.

Sadly, I know what I deserve (ok, rather, think I know what I deserve). And I keep on looking for it, thinking I'll find it.

I realize now you may be telling me my problem is the fact I am looking for it.

Well, dear readers, I am looking for it because if I don't, I am convinced it wont find me. I live a life consumed by work and bills (as do many people) and cherish my time away from work and want to spend it with those (friends/significant other) who care. I don't do fake and I don't think much of flings anymore. I know you're muttering something about how when you stop looking for it, it will find me. Maybe you're right.

Maybe, I should detach myself from all potential "romantic" (and otherwise) entanglements; give myself a clean slate.

But then... I have a problem.
The crippling loneliness that will creep in on me. Because without the parade of friends and part-time lovers, I find that I am, in fact, alone.

I don't want to be alone.