Thank you Thank you Thank you.... oh and Relationship Lazarus

A couple of things, before I dive in here...

a) HOLY CRAP I have readers??!?!?!!! I don't know how this has happened but the traffic here on the blog has like, increased by 10x, and considering I thought I only had 10 readers is impressive. Thank you everyone who has stumbled across here, even if you meant to or not. Thank you! It means a lot to me, that my words are working their way into peoples brains.

b) NO more work talk. It is back to basics here with the "Selfish Help".

Relationship Lazarus

(aka the actual post of this blog, after the Thank You)

How far under does one have to go before they can pull themselves up/out?

I don't know, how far I fell... But I did, then got buried and, possibly lost.

I wrote before about the things I found, the things I felt and how far I had to go to find them.

I am rising now.

You cannot hold on to something so intangible as heartbreak.

True, hope will crush you and potentially break you. Whereas hate, will cradle you and keep you warm with the internal fire it gives you.

Both of those are intangible as well. Just fleeting feelings we can choose (or not) to dwell on.

Now, I am sure you are eye-rolling me because you already know this, and you want me to get to the point...

I cannot let something so intangible keep shaping my life. Especially when that nothingness is someone else's. I can't let someone else's lack of love, or indifference or hatred for me continue to shape me. (OK, yes, it took me awhile to get to this point)

I mean, I truly value what others think of me... up to the point that it begins to hurt me.

This, was hurting me.

I have let myself shrink back and feel like so much less than who I really am.

And this is so much more of a mental/emotional shift than a physical one.

Which makes it that much harder.

They say, if you hear something ofter enough you will begin to believe it is true.

THIS is a case of that.

I was conditioned to feel this way. I was persuaded to think it was OK and that is how it should be....

Until. I remembered it wasn't.

It has taken me too long reach this point of sharp indifference.

But it isn't indifference, really... It is more... Apathy.

Because I have done a complete mental/emotional shift.

I have crossed the proverbial threshold into "No-Seriously-I-Am-Fucking-Above-This"

And in NSIAFAT, is where you can see yourself clearly (with a hint of arrogance) and really make the progress you need to.

I have thrown myself headlong into work, and have reaped some major benefits and hit a wall of exhaustion. I have been working on myself: creatively, physically, emotionally.

And it working.

I can feel the change in myself.

I act differently. I feel differently.

I am more me... once again.

Yes, there is a serious undercurrent of doubt, that it is a sham or that it wont last.

Only, I think the tide will roll out eventually, because once you find yourself (again) you have to work to lose yourself again.

Don't think I've been brainwashed. Don't think I've lost my mind and gone all spiritual.

Nope.

Quite the contrary.

I've got some fat paychecks (amazing how much more you're willing to work when you have no desire to see anyone but strangers and co-workers).

I've saved a TON of money (amazing how much you save when you're not driving halfway around the world for someone who wont move an inch for you, or always eating on the fly due to said driving).

I've found some center (ok, so Yoga did this, but I like the forced relaxation and dedicated focus to yourself to do it right). I found some education (I have seen more movies and read more books with my FULL attention... amazing how much more attention when you aren't having it diverted by someone's needs).

I found some friends (re-connection is GLORIOUS-- the people you loose to wayside when in a relationship is ASTOUNDING).

So what does this do with Lazarus?

It goes back to Plath (yes, Sylvia) and her poem Lady Lazarus and the haphazard pain of being reborn:

"And I a smiling woman. I am only thirty. And like the cat I have nine times to die."

Ok, So I am not 30, yet, But I feel this way about heartbreak. I mean, I keep giving it out, getting questionable amounts in return, yet... I keep doing it. I keep falling, dying and rising again and again and again.

"For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge For the hearing of my heart--

It really goes.  And there is a charge, a very large charge For a word or a touch Or a bit of blood"

Again, the never ending scars of the battlefield that is love. The remains of your person, after another tramples all the fuck over you. But yet, there is a "change for the hearing of my heart"... I take that to mean to be able to listen to yourself through the filter of yourself again.

But you see... This is not a poetry lesson, this is just the excerpts that apply and how I was inspired.

Yes, I had to read the musings of a "crazy" person to find my sanity.

But here I am, in my bight clear day, feeling better than I have in a very VERY long time. 

Pretty Natural Disaster

I went out last night (shocker) after work.

I had the strongest desire to not do it. Like every bone in my body was telling me not to do it. But everyone around me has been trying to get me to... so I caved. Hard.

This did not go as well as planned. But seeing how it was a) un-planned and b) I didn't want to do it, how high could the expectation be. Not. Very.

This is why it was a mistake.

I know, there is something un-healed about me. I've been trying to work and write my way out of it, but I'm still not out yet. I didn't need my friend, pointing out my obvious damage as we sat at the bar.

I didn't need him telling me how damaged I looked. I thought I was hiding it well... But he has known me for 10 years. He said, it was in my eyes. And if you know me, at all, you know there is a total lack of poker face in my face. I cannot hide anything no matter how hard I try.

I started wondering just how deep this damage is and how to wipe it off my face.

But then my thoughts wandered. Like they tend to do... Everything with force (positive or negative) leaves an impact, such as natural disasters (I don't know how positive natural disasters can be, beyond population control, but even then that seems harsh).

So... I wager, that all heartbreaks have a corresponding natural disaster equivalent.

Flood/Tsunami

Water rushes in, destroying everything in it's wake, then goes away. No proof it was there, until you see a school bus upside down on a billboard or something.

I've had that break up. You don't really see it coming (but you feel it might), then suddenly your world is upside down, and your left with soaking wet memories of what was. No real proof that it happened other than, currently there is nothing there; at before, something was there.

Earthquake

The shifting of plates below. Some subtle, the gentle fissures of plates grating against one another. Others, the earth shaking dramatic shifts that level cities and create a new landscape.

I've had this one too. Everything is literally fine and then one second it is not. Things are falling, shaking and breaking apart and in the end you are surrounded by rubble trying to be ok about the aftershocks. To me, this is the ex that pops up whenever you life is seemingly back on track with out him.

Volcano

The violent explosion of lava out of the earth after the warning signs of smoke and ash and previous eruptions.

I think this is most break ups. You can see the tale-tale signs of the break up coming. So you can prepare... You just can't time the eruption. Even then, post-eruption, there is still time to escape some types of lava flow.

See.. damage.

Every single one of these instances has a damage outcome.

Some mess to clean up.

I'm still in the clean up phase.... well no, I'm done cleaning up. But I still get the shakes every time the alarms go off, or the windows start to rattle. I'm scared.

I've survived multiple disasters. Each with different outcomes.

But out of the fear, is a sense of preparedness. The desire to not let myself be caught off guard again, or to at least have my survival pack full of supplies.

A House Divided

I've been working on this for a while......

My heart is a house

So many rooms have been closed off, in the wake of disaster

Windows boarded up for fear of re-entry

Others, just locked doors

With extra keys hidden, waiting to be unlocked

Others, left alone, open, ready

In an homage to the one that once lived

Fragile

Crumbling

Swaying creaking groaning in the howling wind

Shutters shake

Banisters quake

Glass quivers in the frames

supporting it's fragile weight

No one lives here anymore

just the roaming remains of the ones who once did

It's not done. I don't know what it is (ok poetry possibly) but yeah... hope you enjoyed that

Pins and Needles

I am waiting, again, still.

Mostly waiting on work. Some major changes, work wise, are going to take place in the next month or so. New managers, and me (hopefully) getting my own store (fingers crossed).

I've been feeling stuck.

I know part of it the waiting game I've been playing for over a month now with work. First the store, then my interview at home office, then everyone quitting, then me stepping up to run the show, then finding out I didn't get the HQ job, then waiting to find out who will run the show after me, NOW waiting for the show-runner to get there and find where I am to go.

All that over a month.... I'm tired of the waiting. I've enjoyed the rush of responsibility and the challenges I've en countered. But for love of all that is sacred... I need answers.

I know this space is supposed to be about me getting over a break up.

But this is how I do it. I throw myself into work, and myself.

And, well... I've hit a wall on work. I've done my my part, except for the interview that is supposed to be next week. And, since this will be like, my 5th one with the company... pretty sure I'm going to nail it.

I've been trying to work on myself.

Which, is proving harder than I thought it would be with 90% of my focus being on work. It is also hard because I refuse to commit to things that I may have to leave or quit, like the yoga class down the street from work (why pay for a month if I may only be there 2 weeks?) or joining a gym (see above).

Instead, I've focused more on personal beauty... which, sounds really vain.

BUT, when trying to get your skin clear and glowing, because, oh I don't know, I work with people all day every day and I assume at some point they look at my face. It doesn't seem vain, it seems like a professional precaution.

I've also gone through all my make up and tossed out anything old and/or ugly (seriously, shimmery powder blue eyeshadow? wtf was I thinking). Same with perfumes (only some have super precious bottles-- those stay) and lotion/body washes (I have more soap than any woman actually needs). I also tossed anything (beauty wise) that seriously reminded me of any of my ex's. Oh you loved the Bath and Bodyworks Twilight Woods, and even had your mom buy me some for Christmas... yeah, that smell makes me wanna vomit in my mouth now. Toss it. OH you really loved that subtle chocolate/amber smell I made for myself... too bad, it's gone too.

Why I wasted time/money on smelling like various boys wanted me to is mind blowing... because those are not the smells I like to wear. I digress.

I've been cleaning out my beauty drawers, so that now I am surrounded by colors/textures/smells that I love and that well... make me look AHHMAZING.

I've also been on a hair kick... I've been growing it out (it's now past my collar bones, a HUGE feat for me and my addiction to chopping). I did a color overhaul not that long ago... and it is time for another!! I think I am going to go even more extreme with it. I love my cut (shaggy choppy long layers with heavy front shredded fringe), and I love my color (even though faded, had faded well. It's doing that subtle one color to the next that is really popular now-- so obviously I need to change it, again.). So, we will see what happens. I need more color and more vibrancy in my life/hair.

AND, as always I am trying to cultivate my creative side... only between my commitment to work and desire to sleep. I've only been able to feed it a steady desire of novels and how-to books (I pray this will help me create something amazing a little further down the road). I have multiple projects floating about in my head and notes carelessly jotted down everywhere. I just wish I had the energy to really do what I want to do (which is huge-- to me). But I don't. I barely have the energy to post here properly. Sadly. Which, I hate. This blog was a very good outlet for me to spill all the hard things I was feeling and going through.

And now it has become more of a venting outlet for work related frustration. Which is not at all what it was supposed to be.

But, I only have myself to blame for that. I mean, I quit dating. I quit trying to date.

I realized it is impossible when you're feelings are as divided as mine are. That coupled with the the total lack of energy.... leaves very little to be desired in the dating realm.

Apologies

I'm so sorry dear readers, for the total lack of info being sent your way. I have been trapped at work. Slaving away for a paycheck.

But also, there is not a lot happening to even make note of. Sadly.

Quickly though, I did not get the potential job in Seattle with my current company's home office. I am really still kind of upset about this... But apparently, as my mom says, these things happen for a reason.

Currently at work there was a huge outbreak of "I quit". We had 3 members of our management team just up and quit. We have spent the last month to month and a half rebuilding the staff and the store. And, I must say, we are kicking some ass. The place looks great and the staff we are building is phenom.

There is not an ounce of man-news to even report. It is almost pathetic.

I have none in my life. But, right now it is probably best, my head is 100% on work and trying to figure out a next "career" move. Even though I am convinced that I am doing and have done everything I can think of (for work).

I realize this dedication to work, I totally lack in searching for a man.

I mean, I've been putting in 50 hour weeks... I have no desire to do anything but go home and eat/sleep/chill.

I should have gone out this past week... I mean hello. THREE Mavs/Lakers games, the Rangers game last night... what was I doing those nights... sleeping/reading... at home.

I guess when your limit your social activity to work work and commuting home... you cut out a lot of chances for meeting people of the opposite sex.

But then again, as much as I like to think I can put myself out there and date again, I don't know if I can. I saw a guy I was "dating" a week or so ago out with his new girlfriend... and that, I wasn't ready to see it. I wasn't ready to meet her. I wasn't ready to talk as if the dude and I had never seen each other naked.

I still see most men around me as a potential torture device.

I can't shake the feeling that no matter how cool I play it (which is wrong, apparently) or how open/honest I play it (also, wrong) I lose. I still get the outcome I think I'd be getting.

I can only conclude that some how I am vibe-ing "damaged" or have some unknown expiration date tattoo'd on me that only guys can see.

So, with all that floating around in my head, I've thrown in the towel.

I have no desire to go out and put myself out there only to be smacked down by the universe. It hurts too much. How long do you put up with this result before you go, "wtf why am I not getting results? why can't I get any positive reinforcement?"

Yeah.

That.

So unless the next guy I date is already met me or come waltzing (literally) through the doors at work... My focus is work. Because if there is one thing I have learned out of all of this... You have to take care of yourself first (and most and possibly above all else).