Drought

With Tax-Free weekend behind me, I am out of retail hell until November.

But between now and then I have a few work things to do (evaluations and homework for a company meeting/retreat) BUT more importantly I have a vacation that is happening in 16 days.

I am working really hard to NOT check out.

But... It might happen.

Last entry I covered my hilarious and irrational travel fears... well... now, there is has been an added one. Things have happened and I will have to get a hotel room for like 10 days. Which, is really, all well and good. I love hotels (when they don't suck or are dirty or they forget to change my sheets and give me towels).

However, booking one from a zillion miles away is proving both problematic and not budget friendly. I had budgeted for a FEW nights stay, not my entire stay.

AND seeing how it is my vacation I am thinking about winging it.

Yeah, winging it.

I normally plan an entire trip out. Down to the last details.

Well. Not this time.

Let's pretend I am not totally terrified of sharing my personal info over the webs.... And even if that is my reason for doing it... So be it.

I feel like I need that type of adventure again.

I need a little unpredictable.

Because, seriously, things are majorly predictable around here. Boringly predictable.

LAME.

So how does this tie back to relationships/help etc.

Well...

MKSA and I were pretty good about solving our problems together. So, I am sure we will be able to figure things out.

But more importantly, no one wants to be in a boring/predictable relationship.

I am not dismissing the benefits of stable, balanced and a certain amount of predictable that come with the life of a long term relationship. If every Thursday night is Chinese take out and movie night... then that's your thing.

I just need more variety than that. At least rotate the take out. I much prefer pizza to Chinese.

Same goes with in the bedroom.

You need A LITTLE spice in there.

I am not going to quantify what or how much spice is needed. But lights off, under the covers, missionary all the time wont cut it... FOR ANYONE.

I am not saying you need to go full on BDSM in there... so you know what I mean.

I've always seen boring and routine in relationships as fuel for the breakup fire.

I managed to keep my mouth shut about partners lack of prowess in the bedroom... to them. In the heat of many a fight I didn't throw out their literal "short-cummings." I kept it, knowing all the little white lies we girls tell in the dark of the boudoir were for his ego, and for my secret knowing for the lack of fireworks the next girl will see.

And again, I could blast a few of those non-dutiful dudes here.

But I wont.

I much more enjoy the squirming I know they are doing wondering "Is it me? Was it the guy before me? Couldn't be me..."

Boys forget we sometimes lie for sport.

Not HUGE lies (like a pregnancy scare-- that's just fucked up) but little ones... like about size, shape, ability and how you are the best we've ever had blah blah blah how much we enjoyed your foot fetish blah blah blah.

When really... we don't like it, you're not good at it and it creeps us out.

Let's Not... And Say We Did

I've been thinking about writing, only because the act of actually writing seems so.... difficult.

I can't make myself pick a topic and commit to writing about it.

Changing that now.

I will write about my looming (yeah) trip to see MKSA.

Suddenly, it has now dawned on me that my trip is in 21 days (holy crap) and I will flying across the country near the 10 year memorial (anniversary?) of NINE-ELEVEN (dundundun). Either I am a total genius (lighting never strikes the same place twice) or a total idiot (because, um, yeah... totally a national tragedy).

This is also bringing on a fresh bout of 'fear' of airport security.

I am convinced that I will strip-searched, in public... or worse, private. SO, you can bet your ass I am taking minimal stuff with you and it will be expertly packed to avoid this potential situation. Now, you are probably rolling your eyes and saying AE, you don't look like a terrorist. WELL, dear readers, YOU are right. I am not. But apparently 6 year-olds and grandmas do not pass the test, ergo, I assume that my tattoos and piercings SKYROCKET me to the top of the ol' watch list.

I am probably being a bit dramatic... A lot dramatic.

But moving on.

Aside from normal paranoia about missing connecting flights, delays, and lost baggage... I should be fine.

But wait....

THERE IS MORE (isn't there always?)

I am convinced (ok, not totally, but enough to be worried) that MKSA will see me again for the first time in years (since 2007ish) and instantly regret me showing up, baggage in hand (hopefully).

He assures me this wont happen... I remember that ANYTHING is possible, even if it is not that likely. This is also, at the same time calling into question my feelings about MKSA. Yeah... all those feelings once boxed up, and put away deep deep in my heart... now, much much much closer to the surface.

Now, maybe I am worrying for no reason (likely) but regardless... I can't stop my mind from going there. I am on an SSS (Self-imposed Single Sabbatical).

So... Here I am... Wondering if I made the best decision booking this trip all those months ago.

NOW... This is where I nay-say all the thoughts I've been having. Like, how regardless of how this trip goes, I am doing something I love (traveling) and going somewhere I have never been. I see this as an adventure (of sorts): like, if this turns out to be a disaster, I'm booking myself a luxe room and renting a car and I'm going to enjoy being alone. I'll take amazing pictures, eat great food, blow all my money.... OR if it goes great, and we fall back in love and want some kind of happily ever after (can't help being the sap romantic that I am deep down under all the cynicism), well, dammit, I will have my happy ending (hahaha).

So maybe I shouldn't get so worked up. I mean, I can clearly see the two obvious ways this could go... But here is the tricky bit... What about the ending that I actually want? What about what I would like to see happen....

Ohhh, yeah....

This is why I have developed such trepidation. Because I can start to identify what I would like to have happen. And oh, sure, I am sure MKSA could weigh in on this... BUT this is about me. At least the writing.

I probably should be having this as a conversation with either my girlfriends or MKSA. I should probaly voice these 'fears' and possibly let people talk me down from the proverbial ledge that I am so delicately perched. But keeping it inside, means it isn't real. It means it is just in my head, and the little said about it will keep it as good as it is (or isn't) in my head.

It is a problem I have always had.

I am so rarely in the moment.

Even in most pictures, there is a look on my face that say whatever I am feeling is forced.

It is because I have to break it down. I have to remind myself that whatever is happening is 'fun' not 'painfully awkward' and to remove that look from my face. OR I catch myself caught up in the irritants of the memory... like I don't remember the party, but I remember some bitch ruining my shoes or spilling my drink.... I don't remember the 'fun' I was supposed to be having.

This is probably the big fear.

I literally fear that I will be so in my head analyzing the trip, and analyzing what is going on with MKSA and I that I wont enjoy the damn trip, or our time together.

(that is really sad, I am pretty sure you are about to tell me to pull my head out of my ass, get my shit together and live my life, not analyze it).

This is my attempt to remedy that. Right here. Right now.

I, AE, vow to enjoy my g.d. vacation to the fullest. Come hell, high water, or terrorist attack. I will embrace the change, challenges, good and bad that come with this trip. I will also FORCE myself to BE IN THE MOMENT for the entirety of my trip (save for travel times-- plane, train, car only).

There you have it.

In print.

For all the world to see. My promise to myself to do this trip right (and justice).

Deep down, I clearly do not want this to be a "lets not and say we did" situation. AT ALL. I feel way to strongly going in... and definitely will on the way out.

How To "Get With" Me

I don't think it is fair to make guys figure me out... I mean seriously, we as girls expect boys (the same ones that threw dirt at us and pulled our hair) to figure us out. I think I'd have an easier time collecting Dodo feathers.

So here ya go boys (I know a few of you read this) a "road map" to me.

1. DO NOT ever (ever!) whistle at me in a bookstore. Do it once, it is a little flattering but weird. Twice is both creepy and irritating. And how you didn't see me flipping you the bird with my hand just above my ass (which is probably whistling in the first place) and decided to whistle a 3rd time... you are an idiot, and ergo, not my type.

2. DO spend time with me. It is not a joke when I say I am perfectly happy with a case of beer and the Sopranos. That sounds like a good night to me. Will it do every night? No. Will it do for most, yes!

3. DO feed me. I like to eat. I like food. This is not complicated. DO NOT however, force feed me things I do not like (i.e. tomatoes) but DO get me to try new food (i.e. Sushi, Indian).

4. DO NOT see other girls while seeing me, I do not like to share.... I assume you don't either. And if you do, you're not my type.

5. DO NOT buy me useless shit. Yes, bonus gifts are nice. Esp if it is because you are super sweet like that and feel like buying me things. I truly only expect a gift on my birthday, Valentine's Day and Christmas. Handmade gifts are best, food second and everything else third. Triple word score if you can make an entire meal (aps through dessert) for me as a gift.

6. I like my alone time, give it to me.

7. I like my quiet time, give it to me.

8. Enjoy crap movies with me.

9. Take in the occasional artistic endeavor with me. Join me on a photo trip, go with me to a museum, go with me to a weird art-house movie.

10. DO NOT be generic.

So maybe this isn't detailed. Maybe it comes across as demanding... which, it might be if you are not a creative, caring, interesting and into me.

Did you really think I would tell anyone how to "get with" me?? Is that what I do here?? NO.

Why did I even attempt this?

Because I found the list of things my Ex's have called me.

And the word DEMANDING was on there. I feel this is there the same reason all guy's Ex's generally fall into the "psycho-bitch" category (when it is entirely possible that person is not a psycho, yet possibly a bitch).

I sat back and I thought "Am I demanding?"

I generalized that I could be, at times, when I feel like my needs are not being met.

I am a "totally" demanding woman in a relationship.

I am sure my no cheating on me policy lands me in that demanding category too.

But most of this is a joke.

True, I have a few demands in a relationship... But nothing that NOT EVERY SINGLE GIRL EVER HASN'T WANTED.

Quality time. Respect. Honesty. Affection. Attention. Support. To name a few.

So, I have this to say. To the boys I've dated, you wont find another who was as laidback and as "ok" with your bad behavior as I was. Which, by now, I hope you know doesn't make it right. I like knowing that some day my name will flit across your radar when you are wondering why the hell your girlfriend/wife/partner is nagging you about something and you remember... "oh yeah, she didn't nag" and you'll remember all the names you called me in the heat of youthful dramatics that come with the territory. And you'll remember that's why I've denied your facebook requests since, ignored your emails, blocked your numbers, moved away, moved on and forgot all about you.

Arms

I haven't had a spare moment to write.

Seriously, between 60 hour weeks at work and a strong desire to sleep...

Regardless, just because I haven't been writing doesn't mean I haven't been observing (which I always do... I am only missing the tiny notebook to jot said observations down a la Jane Goodall).

Observations

* you can tell a lot about a guy from his arms

* you can tell a lot about a couple by what they do with their arms

Think about it... A guy with decently toned arms either a) works out (like a normal person) b) has a job that requires heavy lifting or c) jerks off waaaaay too much.

Option A means he is a total meat head... a potentially buff even sexy meathead. Option B is most desirable, he has a job. And Option C is well... TMI

So why do arms matter?

Maybe they don't, but they do to me. I find myself much more interested in a guys arms. Sure, there is something to be said about eyes (the windows to the soul or some shit), a slow smile and good hair. But really, arms and hands are my thing.

Part of it is because at the end of a hellish day, I want a strong pair to fall into. And all too often in my past, the arms I was falling into didn't catch me, or were too feeble to catch me.

Also, arms tell a story... one mapped out by veins, bruises, scars and (hopefully) tattoos.

Same goes for hands. They tell a story. And when a guys calluses come from playing guitar (or bass, or drums or the didgeridoo), it is not enough. And what girl wants feminine girly-man hands on her... no. Not this girl.

No I want strong arms and semi-rough hands. the kind that mirror hard work.

I spend all day dressing guys (helloooo retail). And occasionally I get the pleasure of feeling an arm or touching a hand (I have touched Justin Beiber's hand, twice.). And yeah... there are a few too many girly men out there.