Fork in the Road, Spoon in the Sky...Plate is Home

Another day... another new adult problem (so seemingly problem).

I realize I have gotten ahead of myself here. Posting about this affection I am giving to a man (I would say another, but that would imply I have one currently... and I don't. Unless you count the one I have been talking about and well that is really complicated and far away and *breathe*).... Yeah, emotional/mental circle there.

I guess this is where I tell what's going on.

Part of me doesn't want to tell... I mean, talking about it makes it real (more real?), and I am really enjoying the slightly intangible quality this has.

But I guess I really do owe all you faithful readers (I was very popular is Malaysia this past week).

I can really only speak on my side of things... After all this is all about me and my life all the time (at least @ GFY).

The Start

I guess, in true definition this all started way back when I lived in New Mexico. Which now, that feels like a zillion years ago... back when I was like 21/22/23... early twenties. Fresh off the crushing heartbreak of my Ex-Fiancee. I can fully admit now, New Mexico was a way to avoid him and anything related to him. But that is so far back in my past (to me) and it is pulling me away from the story at hand.

So, in New Mexico we met. No lie, I was immediately attracted to him... but somehow things kept happening to where there was someone between me and him. Primarily his sketch neighbor(s) who seriously thought I was "after them" and wanted to "be with them" ... misunderstanding is an understatement for that situation. I can say that said neighbors did not take the news well (at all) when I politely told them that I wanted nothing to do with either of them, ever and to kindly remove all of their belonging from my residence. In having this conversation, MKSA (My Knight in Shining Armor) heard what was happening and came to my aide. The long and short of it... MKSA took a punch to the face for me, to protect me (I was somehow able to stand prepared to take the hit myself unflinchingly-- a moment that still amazes me).

I would say it was specifically this that won my heart, and in a way it was-- to this day no man (or boy) has defended my honor and protected me like that-- but there was more to it. The "more" was him... I adored his patchwork of tattoos, his languid lanky ways and his blue eyes, which depending on the scene would be bright sky blue to the blue-green of sea-glass... Yes, I realize all that is physical. But that's what go my attention. After getting to know him (which started with buying him a couple of beers for taking a hit), I knew what everyone else didn't, he was a smart guy (it was a very common assumption that he was not smart-- which was mostly an act, and/or refusal to actually correct anyone otherwise), and a really caring guy (it was another common assumption that he was notoriously selfish-- not at all). I could keep going... but, why? It's not like you know him. But you get the picture now... tattoo'd good-looking-smart-caring guy.

Skip ahead past the friendly getting to know you bit, and jump to the part where we started dating.

I don't remember exactly how it started... I wish I could and I hope the memory resurfaces again. But he asked me out on a date, a real date. I remember it was back when I worked for the Sangre de Cristo Chronicle. And I had an assignment to do on the Holiday Festivus (aka Christmas Extravaganza). I don't remember what night it was... But we went over the mountain, and it was starting to snow, just a little. And we were in his vehicle (a Jeep something or another), and he was driving. We had the music on, and he held my hand most of the drive there... And well, I seriously am a sucker for hand holding. I find immense comfort in holding the hand of one I am with, sweaty palms and all (not my favorite part, but hazard of young love). I can still remember how his hand felt in mine. He had rough palms and the pads of his fingers were slightly callused. I remember how that felt across the top of my hand the way his thumb brushed mine. (AND NO, I am not making this up... I have way more important shit to be doing that make up fake poetic waxings).

We went to dinner and heard some band play, we had a few drinks (we both shared a love for whiskey, which I've since changed to Vodka... but am considering switching back....). And we stepped out of the restaurant into the cool November air and these tiny little flakes were falling from the sky, not sticking... it still wasn't quite cold enough for that. And we saw the downtown square light up in it's Xmas glory with the plywood cut outs and strings of lights... We wandered over so I could take pictures (after a few drinks, Xmas lights look amazing, try to tell me different.) and we saw this little herd of deer wandering around the square, totally unafraid of me and my cohort and camera.

I remember the soft shadows the combination of lights and moon created, I remember his hand in mine and his arms around my waist. I remember the quite of the night except faint wind bring the music from the saloon (yes the saloon, you have to have been there) and the breathing of deer and muffled sounds of their hooves.

This night stands out so clear in my memory, if I concentrate on it hard enough I can feel the cold and smell the pine. It is like it was just a few days ago...

I will never forget what he said as we watched the deer get bored with us intruding on them. "Isn't this romantic... you know, if you were into that kind of thing" and my reply "Yeah... It's a good thing we aren't into that."

And then we drove back....

That was the start... all those years ago.

My Life, is like an SNL Sketch

Sometimes... my life is hilarious, and if it wasn't do damn funny, well... it would just be true.

For example:

Promotion
As of today, I have been promoted (insert fireworks and confetti explosion here).
However, I have elected to keep my mouth shut about it until the official email stating such facts has rolled through to other stores.
Now, maybe you're wondering why I am doing this... well, I don't want to seem like I am bragging (that's gay), and today is my day off. Soooo... yeah. I'm a bit lazy. And while I am very excited about this I am equally wary of the reaction it will garner. But then again, maybe a parade will be thrown in my honor and I will be presented with giant golden keys and a plaque. Who knows... I tend to prepare for the worst.

Getting Hit On
Today, while out running errands I was hit on.
No big deal, it happens occasionally. I however, tend to not realize it is happening till I am half-way or more into the conversation. Some how I just think people are polite and only moderately interested in what I have to say and have very little interest of getting into my pants.
The guy who approached me was handsome (6 foot plus, sandy brown/blonde hair, green/hazel eyes, and of solid muscular build), not the usual guy that talks to me, more the type that goes for my BFFFE (remember Best Friend for F**king Ever). He talks to me about my tattoos and piercings (totally normal, I hear about it all day everyday at work. So much so, I have an auto-play button for answers of FAQ's). He has a thick accent, that falls between European and Middle Eastern... as it turns out, he was Israeli.
This, is funny to me because I pretty much have a list of countries that are tagged because a man from that country has hit on me or I have dated them... my foreign count is much much higher than my American count, to date.

So, yeah... today has been a little out there... Not exactly my typical day off...

And apparently there is a "party" I have been invited to on Friday or Saturday...
Aaaaaaannnnnnnnd.... I have NO intention of going. No matter how many times I am MMS pictures of an invite, emailed, e-vited, whatever.

Nope. Not. Going.


Not unless I can convince the Israeli guy to go with me as a body guard.

I was going to ride a wave... but now... not so much

I had been drafting this blog about riding a wave and gaining strength, but now, after some tough work, heavy reading and soul searching... I'm not.

Instead. I am thinking about all the little lies past lovers have told me.

I have been told by all past lovers that they'll love me (some for forever, apparently), take care of me and never hurt me. In the end, it is an epic fail on all counts. Those little lies, no matter how truthful in the beginning are a lie in the end.

Well... readers, the joke is on them. I've been telling the biggest lie all along.

I said I love you. I've said it quite a bit. But it's a lie.

Yep. I can tell you it is a LIE. I may have felt lovingly for you, I may have esteemed you, but I sure as hell was not in love with you (thanks to retrospect).

The joke is on them.

The last LOVE I really felt, still belongs to that person. It was what I am convinced love really is; the deep deep feeling of caring and an innate sense of wanting to both care for and protect another person from themselves, the outside and from anything that could hurt them physically mentally emotionally. It is also the make no demands relationship, all you want is the best for each person with no desire to alter or change the person, but for them to be themselves just as they are (thanks Bridg).

One person was given that, they still have it.

It had been previously locked away to keep anyone from touching it. I will be damned if anyone ruins that love for me.

All the others since, have gotten some bargain bin version of my love.

Or off brand version... either way, it isn't the same. It isn't as free, it isn't as forgiving and it sure as fuck isn't as lasting.

So, boys... if I said I love you.

I lied.

Save for one boy who still has a complete hold on my heart and his initial on my thigh.

no web

Have had no time to post because of work :(

Promise new real post tomorrow. So much to share!!