I realize I have gotten ahead of myself here. Posting about this affection I am giving to a man (I would say another, but that would imply I have one currently... and I don't. Unless you count the one I have been talking about and well that is really complicated and far away and *breathe*).... Yeah, emotional/mental circle there.
I guess this is where I tell what's going on.
Part of me doesn't want to tell... I mean, talking about it makes it real (more real?), and I am really enjoying the slightly intangible quality this has.
But I guess I really do owe all you faithful readers (I was very popular is Malaysia this past week).
I can really only speak on my side of things... After all this is all about me and my life all the time (at least @ GFY).
The Start
I guess, in true definition this all started way back when I lived in New Mexico. Which now, that feels like a zillion years ago... back when I was like 21/22/23... early twenties. Fresh off the crushing heartbreak of my Ex-Fiancee. I can fully admit now, New Mexico was a way to avoid him and anything related to him. But that is so far back in my past (to me) and it is pulling me away from the story at hand.
So, in New Mexico we met. No lie, I was immediately attracted to him... but somehow things kept happening to where there was someone between me and him. Primarily his sketch neighbor(s) who seriously thought I was "after them" and wanted to "be with them" ... misunderstanding is an understatement for that situation. I can say that said neighbors did not take the news well (at all) when I politely told them that I wanted nothing to do with either of them, ever and to kindly remove all of their belonging from my residence. In having this conversation, MKSA (My Knight in Shining Armor) heard what was happening and came to my aide. The long and short of it... MKSA took a punch to the face for me, to protect me (I was somehow able to stand prepared to take the hit myself unflinchingly-- a moment that still amazes me).
I would say it was specifically this that won my heart, and in a way it was-- to this day no man (or boy) has defended my honor and protected me like that-- but there was more to it. The "more" was him... I adored his patchwork of tattoos, his languid lanky ways and his blue eyes, which depending on the scene would be bright sky blue to the blue-green of sea-glass... Yes, I realize all that is physical. But that's what go my attention. After getting to know him (which started with buying him a couple of beers for taking a hit), I knew what everyone else didn't, he was a smart guy (it was a very common assumption that he was not smart-- which was mostly an act, and/or refusal to actually correct anyone otherwise), and a really caring guy (it was another common assumption that he was notoriously selfish-- not at all). I could keep going... but, why? It's not like you know him. But you get the picture now... tattoo'd good-looking-smart-caring guy.
Skip ahead past the friendly getting to know you bit, and jump to the part where we started dating.
I don't remember exactly how it started... I wish I could and I hope the memory resurfaces again. But he asked me out on a date, a real date. I remember it was back when I worked for the Sangre de Cristo Chronicle. And I had an assignment to do on the Holiday Festivus (aka Christmas Extravaganza). I don't remember what night it was... But we went over the mountain, and it was starting to snow, just a little. And we were in his vehicle (a Jeep something or another), and he was driving. We had the music on, and he held my hand most of the drive there... And well, I seriously am a sucker for hand holding. I find immense comfort in holding the hand of one I am with, sweaty palms and all (not my favorite part, but hazard of young love). I can still remember how his hand felt in mine. He had rough palms and the pads of his fingers were slightly callused. I remember how that felt across the top of my hand the way his thumb brushed mine. (AND NO, I am not making this up... I have way more important shit to be doing that make up fake poetic waxings).
We went to dinner and heard some band play, we had a few drinks (we both shared a love for whiskey, which I've since changed to Vodka... but am considering switching back....). And we stepped out of the restaurant into the cool November air and these tiny little flakes were falling from the sky, not sticking... it still wasn't quite cold enough for that. And we saw the downtown square light up in it's Xmas glory with the plywood cut outs and strings of lights... We wandered over so I could take pictures (after a few drinks, Xmas lights look amazing, try to tell me different.) and we saw this little herd of deer wandering around the square, totally unafraid of me and my cohort and camera.
I remember the soft shadows the combination of lights and moon created, I remember his hand in mine and his arms around my waist. I remember the quite of the night except faint wind bring the music from the saloon (yes the saloon, you have to have been there) and the breathing of deer and muffled sounds of their hooves.
This night stands out so clear in my memory, if I concentrate on it hard enough I can feel the cold and smell the pine. It is like it was just a few days ago...
I will never forget what he said as we watched the deer get bored with us intruding on them. "Isn't this romantic... you know, if you were into that kind of thing" and my reply "Yeah... It's a good thing we aren't into that."
And then we drove back....
That was the start... all those years ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment