Nothing like a bomb (figurative) being dropped to a) ruin a day, and b) change your course of action.
I mean, I will replay today over and wonder, if I had woken up when my alarm went off-- would have answered my phone? Will something as small as that have changed the way today went?
I realize now, that today has already happened and well on it's way out (I mean it is 6pm my time). So there isn't a way around that. BUT I can however be completely proactive about my future.
I can say with 10000% certainty, that I saw my Ex too soon, let him back in too soon and from here, I can see the error in my ways.
I guess I wanted to get around the sadness and the anger, so, I let myself do it. I let myself let him back into my life. Against mine and everyone elses better judgment. I did it. I guess I thought it would be better. I guess I thought things had changed. They hadn't. I am finding myself in a situation I was in before. Only, different. Like... We are not together, and there are no allegiance to one another...
And you know maybe it is better that way....
No one wants to a friendly fire incident... so just eliminate the friendly, keep the fire.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
More. Now. Please.
OK... I have been majorly slack in updating. For that, I apologize.
Let me catch you up on what I've been up to:
Making friends:
Rather keeping up with friends. For the first time in a long while I feel like I have a little network of people that I can kind of rely on. I've also been prepping for my trip to California. Which I am beyond STOKED about. Frankly, I think I need to get out a little bit. I've been trapped in TX for a while with no break from the norms of family and work. I've been feeling trapped. I need to get out, find an ocean and find my perspective and creativity... ohhh and my BFFE and important things like girly nights and potent cocktails.
Making enemies:
Now. I am not a a vicious person, unless crossed. And well... Someone crossed me, ok well, 2 people crossed me. And it is A LOT easier to target all that anger at on person.
This guy I was seeing, just stopped seeing me. I chalked it up to losing his job and complications with his family. To me, that is a legit set of reason to cut some one out for a bit. However, that was not the case. He started seeing someone else, and cut me out. I shouldn't have been upset. We had made no claims to one another... but I really felt I was owed at least notification of his new find. But that's just me.
WELL.... I ran into him and his new her at a party I went to with a friend. Well, while he thinks he is quite charming and possibly musically talented... she is sleeping around. This does not surprise me. It amuses me. So much so I started taking bets on which boy she would bed that night at the party. I drew up a clever chart using letters and shapes and complicated algerbraic looking formulas to thinly hide what I was doing.
I surveyed party guests, but took no money. When I was done... I taped it to the fridge for ALL to see.
Lesson: Don't fuck with me. I can ruin you. *kisses*
Working like a dog
I have been working like crazy. Hence the need for the California trip. I'm feeling a bit run down... and I don't want to resent my job.
Dating.
I am dating(?) my Ex, still.... Dating is the only term I know. I refuse to label it, because I don't know what it is. But I like it. It is really comfortable and exciting. Things have been better then the last 2 tries we had...
So... yeah
That's what I have been doing... That's been what's keeping me from you.
Let me catch you up on what I've been up to:
Making friends:
Rather keeping up with friends. For the first time in a long while I feel like I have a little network of people that I can kind of rely on. I've also been prepping for my trip to California. Which I am beyond STOKED about. Frankly, I think I need to get out a little bit. I've been trapped in TX for a while with no break from the norms of family and work. I've been feeling trapped. I need to get out, find an ocean and find my perspective and creativity... ohhh and my BFFE and important things like girly nights and potent cocktails.
Making enemies:
Now. I am not a a vicious person, unless crossed. And well... Someone crossed me, ok well, 2 people crossed me. And it is A LOT easier to target all that anger at on person.
This guy I was seeing, just stopped seeing me. I chalked it up to losing his job and complications with his family. To me, that is a legit set of reason to cut some one out for a bit. However, that was not the case. He started seeing someone else, and cut me out. I shouldn't have been upset. We had made no claims to one another... but I really felt I was owed at least notification of his new find. But that's just me.
WELL.... I ran into him and his new her at a party I went to with a friend. Well, while he thinks he is quite charming and possibly musically talented... she is sleeping around. This does not surprise me. It amuses me. So much so I started taking bets on which boy she would bed that night at the party. I drew up a clever chart using letters and shapes and complicated algerbraic looking formulas to thinly hide what I was doing.
I surveyed party guests, but took no money. When I was done... I taped it to the fridge for ALL to see.
Lesson: Don't fuck with me. I can ruin you. *kisses*
Working like a dog
I have been working like crazy. Hence the need for the California trip. I'm feeling a bit run down... and I don't want to resent my job.
Dating.
I am dating(?) my Ex, still.... Dating is the only term I know. I refuse to label it, because I don't know what it is. But I like it. It is really comfortable and exciting. Things have been better then the last 2 tries we had...
So... yeah
That's what I have been doing... That's been what's keeping me from you.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Hopeless... Romantic
I am resigned to admit that I am a hopeless romantic.
Not so much that I desperately fall in love with every boy I meet. But, more so, that I think that every boy I fall for could be the one.
I realize just how silly it sounds. I realize how naive it makes me. I realize how lame some of those boys were.
I think I am the feline equivalent of relationships. Cats have 9 lives... I've had 5 relationships (serious, important relationships). I am am either luckier than that... and will continue to have more... or this is the end of the line, and shall start adopting cats and become the youngest spinster known.
Not so much that I desperately fall in love with every boy I meet. But, more so, that I think that every boy I fall for could be the one.
I realize just how silly it sounds. I realize how naive it makes me. I realize how lame some of those boys were.
I think I am the feline equivalent of relationships. Cats have 9 lives... I've had 5 relationships (serious, important relationships). I am am either luckier than that... and will continue to have more... or this is the end of the line, and shall start adopting cats and become the youngest spinster known.
Relationships Road Less Traveled
JS
He was my high school "sweetheart". I deff file this under the "young and in love" umbrella, in the "i-was-new-in-town-and-knew-no-one" subcategory. I wont get into the specifics... but it was a good starter relationship. Even though we were totally different. However, I knew then that he wasn't the one I was going to marry (if I ever married). This became even more apparent after reconnecting with him AFTER graduating collage and AFTER bouncing around the western half of the country. I firmly believe if I would have stayed with him, from high school or upon reconnecting... I would be barefoot and pregnant in a trailer park in the town I went to high school in.
AR
He was my "big love- big mistake". We met in college, fell in love and got engaged (like we were supposed to, right?). I was hell bent on being some brand of noted writer-photographer-PR extraordinaire. He was going to be a rising track star-band front man- photographer-tattoo artist. Together we would have cemented our lives in some little artist community or something in Austin... taking full advantage of the artists, the music scene.... everything. This probably would have worked, and possibly we would have been happy... IF he hadn't screwed every "model" he worked with and fucked every "study partner" all while keeping me on the line and engaged to his philandering ass. Needless to say, this did not end well... and subsequently, I graduated and left the state (not entirely a coincidence).
NC
After changing states... this guy and I met. And despite some ups and downs and some... hang ups. We were happy. We survived 6months of poverty. We both worked multiple jobs. We had friends, a life, and we had each other. I could see it with him. Getting married in some hippie style mountain ceremony, and continuing our tattoo'd and pierce'd adventures. But somewhere between, the death of my dog, losing my job and finding another one in California. We slipped apart. He wanted to stay, and he was my only reason for staying. And, with no commitment from him, I didn't think that was reason enough to stay; I asked him to come with me to California, he declined. And... with that, we parted ways. I was a little heartbroken. But it wasn't because he had broken my heart... it was because I had lost my partner and my best friend.
JR
This was the worst thing ever.
It took up a year of my life... and I just block it out.
NN
This is the ex I keep referring to. I knew we were different. I mean, he is from another country for Chissake. But, in the beginning, we were so happy together. Respectful, considerate and literally could not get enough of each other. I got a passport for this guy, thinking, literally, we were going somewhere. And that's what I saw us doing. He would graduate and go on do work for the UN or some other government agency using his language and conflict management degrees... and I would go too. Either keep slinging tee's like I am now, or man up and pursue writing and photography. Or something. But, in trying to grow together, we grew apart... and then broke apart. But to be honest, I really it saw it with him. I really did think he was the proverbial "the one." I saw us happy here (in TX. But in a more urban setting), or on the west coast, or somewhere in Europe (to which I would saw screw work and I would attempt to enjoy all Euro offerings because I have never been.).
And... also, admittedly, we've been dating(?). I've mentioned this before in the Date with the Devil blog. I've been on more dates with him... and it is now, like it was in the beginning. However, I am not letting myself get swept away. I am not letting myself get swept away (again) or too starry eyed (again). But rather, just trying to enjoy the moment (advice my BFFFE has given me).
Now, again, I can feel you eye rolling me. I can feel you "tsk-tsk-tisk"-ing me.
But, in the dates and discussions he and I have had... Things feel better. Things feel different this time (yes, that is cliche, yes it is naive), and yes that is what they all say.
But, I will give this disclaimer:
NO ONE needs help navigating the good of the relationship. EVERYONE needs help navigating the bad. That is why you go to friends for advice, and subsequently paint your partner in a less than flattering light.
So yeah... Clearly, I am hopeless. and a bit of a romantic.
He was my high school "sweetheart". I deff file this under the "young and in love" umbrella, in the "i-was-new-in-town-and-knew-no-one" subcategory. I wont get into the specifics... but it was a good starter relationship. Even though we were totally different. However, I knew then that he wasn't the one I was going to marry (if I ever married). This became even more apparent after reconnecting with him AFTER graduating collage and AFTER bouncing around the western half of the country. I firmly believe if I would have stayed with him, from high school or upon reconnecting... I would be barefoot and pregnant in a trailer park in the town I went to high school in.
AR
He was my "big love- big mistake". We met in college, fell in love and got engaged (like we were supposed to, right?). I was hell bent on being some brand of noted writer-photographer-PR extraordinaire. He was going to be a rising track star-band front man- photographer-tattoo artist. Together we would have cemented our lives in some little artist community or something in Austin... taking full advantage of the artists, the music scene.... everything. This probably would have worked, and possibly we would have been happy... IF he hadn't screwed every "model" he worked with and fucked every "study partner" all while keeping me on the line and engaged to his philandering ass. Needless to say, this did not end well... and subsequently, I graduated and left the state (not entirely a coincidence).
NC
After changing states... this guy and I met. And despite some ups and downs and some... hang ups. We were happy. We survived 6months of poverty. We both worked multiple jobs. We had friends, a life, and we had each other. I could see it with him. Getting married in some hippie style mountain ceremony, and continuing our tattoo'd and pierce'd adventures. But somewhere between, the death of my dog, losing my job and finding another one in California. We slipped apart. He wanted to stay, and he was my only reason for staying. And, with no commitment from him, I didn't think that was reason enough to stay; I asked him to come with me to California, he declined. And... with that, we parted ways. I was a little heartbroken. But it wasn't because he had broken my heart... it was because I had lost my partner and my best friend.
JR
This was the worst thing ever.
It took up a year of my life... and I just block it out.
NN
This is the ex I keep referring to. I knew we were different. I mean, he is from another country for Chissake. But, in the beginning, we were so happy together. Respectful, considerate and literally could not get enough of each other. I got a passport for this guy, thinking, literally, we were going somewhere. And that's what I saw us doing. He would graduate and go on do work for the UN or some other government agency using his language and conflict management degrees... and I would go too. Either keep slinging tee's like I am now, or man up and pursue writing and photography. Or something. But, in trying to grow together, we grew apart... and then broke apart. But to be honest, I really it saw it with him. I really did think he was the proverbial "the one." I saw us happy here (in TX. But in a more urban setting), or on the west coast, or somewhere in Europe (to which I would saw screw work and I would attempt to enjoy all Euro offerings because I have never been.).
And... also, admittedly, we've been dating(?). I've mentioned this before in the Date with the Devil blog. I've been on more dates with him... and it is now, like it was in the beginning. However, I am not letting myself get swept away. I am not letting myself get swept away (again) or too starry eyed (again). But rather, just trying to enjoy the moment (advice my BFFFE has given me).
Now, again, I can feel you eye rolling me. I can feel you "tsk-tsk-tisk"-ing me.
But, in the dates and discussions he and I have had... Things feel better. Things feel different this time (yes, that is cliche, yes it is naive), and yes that is what they all say.
But, I will give this disclaimer:
NO ONE needs help navigating the good of the relationship. EVERYONE needs help navigating the bad. That is why you go to friends for advice, and subsequently paint your partner in a less than flattering light.
So yeah... Clearly, I am hopeless. and a bit of a romantic.
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