Felt, Knowing

The past couple of weeks have been an interesting array of emotions, activities and learning.

I went from California to home, only to jump on a plane again exactly a week after and head to Seattle for the day (yes the day, details will be further down the blog). I am the most tired individual I know right now.

But all this time in the noisy isolation of the plane, I have had the opportunity to reflect on everything that has been happening lately in my life. So, I am going let you guys in on my revelations. Maybe they will do you the good they have done me. IF they don't, then delight in the humor I find in the life I lead. This is in no order, and the order it is in has no meaning. So don't going digging for things that I am not putting here (cheeky readers, don't you know that I've been laying it out there for you this entire time?).

-- I have felt the sweet release that comes from the forced isolation of a pressurized cabin where calls and texts cannot be answered. I have found the joy that come with that isolation and the freedom it brings to really let things go for a while (or the duration of a flight). I found myself actually not worrying but relaxing. I read, I wrote... I let go. I was like in takeoff I was taking off (haha cheesy symbolism). I left home feeling very at the end of my rope. I was in a position where I wasn't sure how much more I could take, from work, from family, from 'friends' from... everything. At it only took 2000 miles and several hundred thousand feet to find the kind of release I needed to find my fully functional self again. She was buried. Mired down by the sheer amount of stress (mental and emotional)that was leading me to a breakdown.

-- I had lost faith. Faith in the future, in my life, in love... everything was really beginning to look dismal. I didn't find faith. Instead I found peace (in myself). Being so far away from everything that was happening, led me to see that things were not total shit all around me. I was just so far in it, I couldn't see out of it (the whole couldn't see the forest for the trees thing). So, I saw it. I saw my way out. And I acted on it. I put myself out there, I really started asking for things, and low and behold, things have turned in my favor. Things are not perfect, and never will be, but you have to get out to get ahead when you are so far down.

-- I found my friends. I had been separated so long from the sisterly connection I needed. I found the love and appreciation that had been missing from sooo many of my relationships that I needed to know that I still was worthy of it. And I am. I am not this villain, I have been made to feel like. I am not this monster I have been made out to be. I am so many things that I forgot I was. I needed to be reminded that not every trait I have is a flaw. And they aren't. I am not a terribly unfunny, uncompromising, stupid... I refuse to go on. I am NONE of the things I was feeling. I am a funny, sincere, caring, dedicated, motivated, sarcastic, creative.... I am A LOT of things.

-- I felt the icy hatred that comes with an act of betrayal. Real or imagined. Truth or lie. There are things that no amount of apology, explanation or anything can do to repair a trust so broken. Somethings, just can't be undone. I won't hang on to the hate, that I find actually physically painful. I will hang on to the memory of what caused it, that is isolated and worth remembering as to avoid it at all costs in the future.

-- Don't break the heart and spirit of someone who loved you at all costs, beyond reason, beyond circumstance. It is a gift. Do not be tawdry or ineffectual with it; it will leave. It wont come back.

-- I related fully to a poem I had filed away in my head by Carolyn Kizer, "Bitch". I thought I understood it in college. NO. I now, FULLY, understand it. I have felt the choke chain pulling at my neck as my head falls to overwhelming pull of my heart. One too many times. I've been gag'd, on too many occasions. Forced into an inadvertent submission out of a misplaced loyalty. Now, I feel the chain. My head lowers. And from deep inside, a primal recess, the urge, the desire to snap snarl and fight come out. Ready for the assumed abrasions out of the known need for survival/self-preservation. I will bite the hand that once fed me. I will attack someone who once was supposed to protect and care for me when all they did was ignore and forget me. (clearly this one was a big one, note, I will not actually attack, bite or fright anyone in physical real life).

-- I basked in the shining white light of hope. That feeling, no matter how fleeting, that anything can be done.

-- I watched something disappear, as if by magic. Where you were left asking 'was that real' 'did that just happen.' You are left looking into the space where you thought something was, and finding that yes, it is no longer there. Only there are no trap doors, velvet curtains, or false bottoms. Something, really, did just vanish.

-- I found that place of self-satisfaction of a job well done. Not in a completed a chore list way, but in a life changing, this-is-a-huge-step-forward-way. I forced myself to give something my entire self, every single part, and actually see just how beneficial it can be. I saw that when you have the right network around you supporting your desires and your abilities that you really can thrive. And if you push forward, past the initial doubt and fear... you can end up on a day trip to Seattle for a face-to-face with the head people that you need to, to get the job you REALLY want.

-- I will NEVER again doubt my ability as a female. Due to whatever man/lover/significant other is/was putting me through. I will not let some dude determine MY worth because of the way HE sees me. (it took way to long to realize this) ALSO, it is amazing all the shit one can accomplish without a man in her life. I have not felt this creative, satisfied, capable, functional in a LONG time. And I have done it on my own. Ok, not entirely. There have been a couple of key players (you ladies know who you are). I love you very much and would not be where I am right now (literally) with out. This is my public thank you-shout out.

So, yes. I have had a very full emotional plate. I am putting it here because I want to remember what progress I have made. ONCE AGAIN let me say that THIS BLOG is ALL ABOUT ME. MY THOUGHTS. MY FEELINGS. MY TAKE ON MY SITUATION. This is my corner of the world to really say what I want. If you need further clarification, see blog numero uno.

Answer Forthcoming

Yesterday, we took a drive up through the Hollywood Hills (yest, under the sign). Winding and climbing up to the Hollywood Res. It was AMAZING to find this find this lush piece of nature in the middle of stucco structures and starlets. It really felt like somewhere else.

I really have had so much happening out here.

And I have never been so excited about so many things happening at once. I guess I should start from the beginning.

WEDNESDAY

- before I even got on the plane to head to LA LA land, I got a call from my boss's boss urging me to apply for a buyer position at home office. I was shocked. This was the opportunity I had been waiting for, for so long. I was beyond stoked. I was totally preoccupied with the making the proper updates to my resume to send off as quickly as possible.

- the flights (stops in El Paso, and a layover in Phoenix). Were beyond exhausting. And the people I was traveling with were ok, till the last leg. The two harpies I sat next chattered entirely about their pending wedding/engagements. SO much talk about flowers, food, seating charts. I really wanted to die. It was beyond boring. Maybe that is because, currently, I have absolutely no aspirations for marriage.

- after landing, a quick trip to Trader Joe's (seriously, this place is amazing, everything is delicious) to load up on supplies we came home for the evening, settled in and made a night of food, tv, and cocktails.

- Dinner was a DELIGHTFUL array of grilled cheeses and soups from The Oaks Gourmet.

THURSDAY

- a quick trips to Target, Trader Joe's, and the plant store for more supplies. You know, the shit that you're afraid to take on an airplane, aka razors, medications, and aerosol hairspray.

- Thursday night was the a night out in the 'hood. Prowling the local (block length) of bars/restaurants for a proper drink.

- At La Poubelle we had fantastic drinks and company of my friend's friends. Chatted about their upcoming travel plans (one way tickets to Ireland) and our plans for the remainder of my trip. This is also when, on round 2 of drinks we found Jon Lajoie. Whom we shared a drink, a round of shots and hilarious conversation about himself (his comedy, his Canadian-ness), fantasy football, and our various homelands (Canada, Hollywood, and Texas respectively). This chat lasted till last call.

- After last call we wandered back to the apartment, only to cross paths with more friends. Which only meant, hilarious "afterhours" at the apartment. Drinks were had, music was discussed... it was fun even with the copious amounts of man bonding happening (boys band together, apparently). Who cares. Moments of note: Radiohead v. Coldplay, to love or loathe Mumford and Sons, and why 90's rap is so damn catchy.

FRIDAY

- Shopping all day for birthday presents. Space 15 Twenty, Urban Outfitters and The Daily Planet.

- Found said perfect presents.

- Party Bus to the actual party @ Cafe Was. Fabulous drinks, delicious food and all the burlesque dancing one could hope for. Oh and even a few celeb sitings. Drinking, dancing, dining and a party bus back home... sooooo many bottles popped.

- Big bonus: networking and submitting my resume to be a PA for a couple of artists. I absolutely love that is how things work out here. You meet and greet, drink and chat... then BOOM someone gives you an email address and the invitation to submit your resume for consideration.

LOVE IT.

SATURDAY

- Sleep. Only venture out of the house for food. Sleep some more. Crash out at 1030.

- I see this is a bit lame. I mean, Saturday night in LA/Hollywood, and I stayed in. I couldn't help it. I really outdid myself on Friday... and fuck, I am on vacation. I will do whatever the hell I want.

SUNDAY

-Brunch at Prizzi's. Quite literally the best French toast and mimosa combo I have ever had. Beating out Paris in Las Vegas (there were suspicious bananas bits in the Vegas toast).

- Driving. LOTS of driving through the Hills, to the Res, to Los Feliz, to Silverlake, and even cruised Sunset like a total asshole.

-Hit up happy hour at La Poubelle. 3 dollar Poubelle lagers, dollar oysters, and lavender creme brulee.

- A brief trip home to recoup. Only to go out for last call and food from Aroma Cafe, a delicious treat courtesy of my friends paramore.

And here it is Monday. I am fueling up to go shopping... not a hundred percent sure where yet... I mean, there are so many great places to choose from! Robertson, Melrose, Rodeo... ugh. It is a bit overwhelming, totally indulgent and beyond words... and I haven't even gone yet.

Left on a Jet Plane

Sometimes, you just need to get away. Sometimes you need the division of 1500 miles.

Not running away. Not avoiding. Just a vacation away from all the things that were driving your fucking bonkers.

Traveling all day yesterday was beyond exhausting. I changed planes, I changed seats, by the end of the day, I need my drivers licence to tell me who I was. Hazard of travel, I suppose. But with each stop, each change, I felt lighter. Like the Burden of My Daily Life (BMDL) was slowly but surely being lifted. My thoughts and worries lifted and left behind. Clearly, they checked out when I checked my bag.

I feel so much lighter out here... maybe it is the air, the atmosphere, or the altitude.

So, here it is, most of the day into my first full day in LA and I have done... a bit of work. I mean, it is really amazing the things I cram into a day. Thus far, today, there was a successful trip to Target, and important business matter that I handled via email. It is amazing what one can do after a 1/2 pot of coffee.

Separation can be freeing. I am so far away, so removed from all the BMDL that, not even the slight overcast to my sunny-breezy-78 degree day doesn't bother me in the slightest. Being out here is doing what I thought it would.

Under Construction

I realize I attempted to make myself strong on something that didn't exist.
I made myself strong on the idea of my Ex being gone, with the way he removed himself from my life.
And when he came back with the force that he did... the foundation crumbled. I mean, something built, literally, on nothing can not survive. So, it crumbled.
I am now surrounded by the pieces of something that once was, and now, I don't really know what it was. I know at one point (before this last reunion) we were two people who really loved and cared about each other... and some how, because life happens, it all just fell apart.. "We" tired to put it back together, patch and repair, but it wouldn't hold. So, things fell into a state of disrepair and we disbanded. And whatever... I've told this part of the story before. You should be up to speed... if not, go back to blog 1.

So now, surrounded by the rubble that was a relationship and back at square one... I begin again.

I begin the healing process again... And now, must resolve to do things a bit differently this time around. Face the hurt and the pain head on. No matter how much I don't want to. NO matter how much I think it would be easier to forget it, go around it or avoid it.

Well...

How the hell do I do that??

New step one: Seriously through thyself into work.
It is the only thing that fully takes my mind away from my personal life.

At work, my full attention is required. I am forced to fully focus myself on the art of slanging tees. And my other work, creative, flourishes. Granted, something has kept me from picking up my cameras... I have however been writing more. And no, not just here on the blog. But otherwise. I have been diverting my energy into something more productive and rewarding to me... a solid creative product.


I'm a bit worried though. Worried that things wont grow back. Or rather, grow back fully. I feel like... I have ice in my veins. Like the, somehow I have stranded myself on an Arctic Tundra... And all I can feel is the icy wind whipping around me, beating me through my clothes. Like, it doesn't matter that the stars seem bigger yet further away, or that there are musk oxen... I don't see it. I don't feel it.
I'm afraid that wont change.

Little Victories

I should have known this would happen.
I am, on some level, a slow learner. And for me the process is normally a few steps forward and a few steps back.

Well. This was my million steps backward after only made a handful forward.

I guess this is where I admit I am starting over, and getting back to getting over it. Because attempt one was an epic fail.
I will conclude it was an epic fail because my desire to be out of pain and back safely in a loved ones arms massively (wrongly) out-weighed my desire to heal properly. Properly being the operative, because I wasn't healed hardly at all. I thought launching headlong back into something would heal it or fix it or alleviate the pain. And it did, for a little while. But really brought back a flood of questions and insecurity that I was unable to cope with, due mostly to the fact that I was not getting the answers I needed. Answers, also, that deep down I didn't want.

WELL I got enough answers now.
And all I can feel is the icy calm of low-grade hatred.
The problem. It is the only thing I feel. I am so full of hatred, betrayal, and hurt that I am beginning to wonder if I will anything outside of that.
The answers I got, pointed to the sad fact that everything was a lie. EVERYTHING. Every well meaning gesture, every "I-miss-you-I-want-you-blahblahblah" was a sham.
I feel like a fool (fitting, seeing how it was All Fool's Day when I started writing this).

Soooo.... now, I fight back.
I take care of me.
I do the things I neglected to do before because I was trying to be the bigger fucking person.

I shut off the Netflix.

Oh yeah, I've been paying for it, for an eternity. And I blow through the DVD's, but ah, the watch instantly device was all him.
WELL... not any fucking more.
I disabled that shit.


Is it childish, yes. Is it pointless, probably. Can it be turned on again easily, sure. Will I keep turning it off... ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.