Little Victories

I should have known this would happen.
I am, on some level, a slow learner. And for me the process is normally a few steps forward and a few steps back.

Well. This was my million steps backward after only made a handful forward.

I guess this is where I admit I am starting over, and getting back to getting over it. Because attempt one was an epic fail.
I will conclude it was an epic fail because my desire to be out of pain and back safely in a loved ones arms massively (wrongly) out-weighed my desire to heal properly. Properly being the operative, because I wasn't healed hardly at all. I thought launching headlong back into something would heal it or fix it or alleviate the pain. And it did, for a little while. But really brought back a flood of questions and insecurity that I was unable to cope with, due mostly to the fact that I was not getting the answers I needed. Answers, also, that deep down I didn't want.

WELL I got enough answers now.
And all I can feel is the icy calm of low-grade hatred.
The problem. It is the only thing I feel. I am so full of hatred, betrayal, and hurt that I am beginning to wonder if I will anything outside of that.
The answers I got, pointed to the sad fact that everything was a lie. EVERYTHING. Every well meaning gesture, every "I-miss-you-I-want-you-blahblahblah" was a sham.
I feel like a fool (fitting, seeing how it was All Fool's Day when I started writing this).

Soooo.... now, I fight back.
I take care of me.
I do the things I neglected to do before because I was trying to be the bigger fucking person.

I shut off the Netflix.

Oh yeah, I've been paying for it, for an eternity. And I blow through the DVD's, but ah, the watch instantly device was all him.
WELL... not any fucking more.
I disabled that shit.


Is it childish, yes. Is it pointless, probably. Can it be turned on again easily, sure. Will I keep turning it off... ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.