I went from California to home, only to jump on a plane again exactly a week after and head to Seattle for the day (yes the day, details will be further down the blog). I am the most tired individual I know right now.
But all this time in the noisy isolation of the plane, I have had the opportunity to reflect on everything that has been happening lately in my life. So, I am going let you guys in on my revelations. Maybe they will do you the good they have done me. IF they don't, then delight in the humor I find in the life I lead. This is in no order, and the order it is in has no meaning. So don't going digging for things that I am not putting here (cheeky readers, don't you know that I've been laying it out there for you this entire time?).
-- I have felt the sweet release that comes from the forced isolation of a pressurized cabin where calls and texts cannot be answered. I have found the joy that come with that isolation and the freedom it brings to really let things go for a while (or the duration of a flight). I found myself actually not worrying but relaxing. I read, I wrote... I let go. I was like in takeoff I was taking off (haha cheesy symbolism). I left home feeling very at the end of my rope. I was in a position where I wasn't sure how much more I could take, from work, from family, from 'friends' from... everything. At it only took 2000 miles and several hundred thousand feet to find the kind of release I needed to find my fully functional self again. She was buried. Mired down by the sheer amount of stress (mental and emotional)that was leading me to a breakdown.
-- I had lost faith. Faith in the future, in my life, in love... everything was really beginning to look dismal. I didn't find faith. Instead I found peace (in myself). Being so far away from everything that was happening, led me to see that things were not total shit all around me. I was just so far in it, I couldn't see out of it (the whole couldn't see the forest for the trees thing). So, I saw it. I saw my way out. And I acted on it. I put myself out there, I really started asking for things, and low and behold, things have turned in my favor. Things are not perfect, and never will be, but you have to get out to get ahead when you are so far down.
-- I found my friends. I had been separated so long from the sisterly connection I needed. I found the love and appreciation that had been missing from sooo many of my relationships that I needed to know that I still was worthy of it. And I am. I am not this villain, I have been made to feel like. I am not this monster I have been made out to be. I am so many things that I forgot I was. I needed to be reminded that not every trait I have is a flaw. And they aren't. I am not a terribly unfunny, uncompromising, stupid... I refuse to go on. I am NONE of the things I was feeling. I am a funny, sincere, caring, dedicated, motivated, sarcastic, creative.... I am A LOT of things.
-- I felt the icy hatred that comes with an act of betrayal. Real or imagined. Truth or lie. There are things that no amount of apology, explanation or anything can do to repair a trust so broken. Somethings, just can't be undone. I won't hang on to the hate, that I find actually physically painful. I will hang on to the memory of what caused it, that is isolated and worth remembering as to avoid it at all costs in the future.
-- Don't break the heart and spirit of someone who loved you at all costs, beyond reason, beyond circumstance. It is a gift. Do not be tawdry or ineffectual with it; it will leave. It wont come back.
-- I related fully to a poem I had filed away in my head by Carolyn Kizer, "Bitch". I thought I understood it in college. NO. I now, FULLY, understand it. I have felt the choke chain pulling at my neck as my head falls to overwhelming pull of my heart. One too many times. I've been gag'd, on too many occasions. Forced into an inadvertent submission out of a misplaced loyalty. Now, I feel the chain. My head lowers. And from deep inside, a primal recess, the urge, the desire to snap snarl and fight come out. Ready for the assumed abrasions out of the known need for survival/self-preservation. I will bite the hand that once fed me. I will attack someone who once was supposed to protect and care for me when all they did was ignore and forget me. (clearly this one was a big one, note, I will not actually attack, bite or fright anyone in physical real life).
-- I basked in the shining white light of hope. That feeling, no matter how fleeting, that anything can be done.
-- I watched something disappear, as if by magic. Where you were left asking 'was that real' 'did that just happen.' You are left looking into the space where you thought something was, and finding that yes, it is no longer there. Only there are no trap doors, velvet curtains, or false bottoms. Something, really, did just vanish.
-- I found that place of self-satisfaction of a job well done. Not in a completed a chore list way, but in a life changing, this-is-a-huge-step-forward-way. I forced myself to give something my entire self, every single part, and actually see just how beneficial it can be. I saw that when you have the right network around you supporting your desires and your abilities that you really can thrive. And if you push forward, past the initial doubt and fear... you can end up on a day trip to Seattle for a face-to-face with the head people that you need to, to get the job you REALLY want.
-- I will NEVER again doubt my ability as a female. Due to whatever man/lover/significant other is/was putting me through. I will not let some dude determine MY worth because of the way HE sees me. (it took way to long to realize this) ALSO, it is amazing all the shit one can accomplish without a man in her life. I have not felt this creative, satisfied, capable, functional in a LONG time. And I have done it on my own. Ok, not entirely. There have been a couple of key players (you ladies know who you are). I love you very much and would not be where I am right now (literally) with out. This is my public thank you-shout out.
So, yes. I have had a very full emotional plate. I am putting it here because I want to remember what progress I have made. ONCE AGAIN let me say that THIS BLOG is ALL ABOUT ME. MY THOUGHTS. MY FEELINGS. MY TAKE ON MY SITUATION. This is my corner of the world to really say what I want. If you need further clarification, see blog numero uno.
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