Under Construction

I realize I attempted to make myself strong on something that didn't exist.
I made myself strong on the idea of my Ex being gone, with the way he removed himself from my life.
And when he came back with the force that he did... the foundation crumbled. I mean, something built, literally, on nothing can not survive. So, it crumbled.
I am now surrounded by the pieces of something that once was, and now, I don't really know what it was. I know at one point (before this last reunion) we were two people who really loved and cared about each other... and some how, because life happens, it all just fell apart.. "We" tired to put it back together, patch and repair, but it wouldn't hold. So, things fell into a state of disrepair and we disbanded. And whatever... I've told this part of the story before. You should be up to speed... if not, go back to blog 1.

So now, surrounded by the rubble that was a relationship and back at square one... I begin again.

I begin the healing process again... And now, must resolve to do things a bit differently this time around. Face the hurt and the pain head on. No matter how much I don't want to. NO matter how much I think it would be easier to forget it, go around it or avoid it.

Well...

How the hell do I do that??

New step one: Seriously through thyself into work.
It is the only thing that fully takes my mind away from my personal life.

At work, my full attention is required. I am forced to fully focus myself on the art of slanging tees. And my other work, creative, flourishes. Granted, something has kept me from picking up my cameras... I have however been writing more. And no, not just here on the blog. But otherwise. I have been diverting my energy into something more productive and rewarding to me... a solid creative product.


I'm a bit worried though. Worried that things wont grow back. Or rather, grow back fully. I feel like... I have ice in my veins. Like the, somehow I have stranded myself on an Arctic Tundra... And all I can feel is the icy wind whipping around me, beating me through my clothes. Like, it doesn't matter that the stars seem bigger yet further away, or that there are musk oxen... I don't see it. I don't feel it.
I'm afraid that wont change.