Thank you Thank you Thank you.... oh and Relationship Lazarus

A couple of things, before I dive in here...

a) HOLY CRAP I have readers??!?!?!!! I don't know how this has happened but the traffic here on the blog has like, increased by 10x, and considering I thought I only had 10 readers is impressive. Thank you everyone who has stumbled across here, even if you meant to or not. Thank you! It means a lot to me, that my words are working their way into peoples brains.

b) NO more work talk. It is back to basics here with the "Selfish Help".

Relationship Lazarus

(aka the actual post of this blog, after the Thank You)

How far under does one have to go before they can pull themselves up/out?

I don't know, how far I fell... But I did, then got buried and, possibly lost.

I wrote before about the things I found, the things I felt and how far I had to go to find them.

I am rising now.

You cannot hold on to something so intangible as heartbreak.

True, hope will crush you and potentially break you. Whereas hate, will cradle you and keep you warm with the internal fire it gives you.

Both of those are intangible as well. Just fleeting feelings we can choose (or not) to dwell on.

Now, I am sure you are eye-rolling me because you already know this, and you want me to get to the point...

I cannot let something so intangible keep shaping my life. Especially when that nothingness is someone else's. I can't let someone else's lack of love, or indifference or hatred for me continue to shape me. (OK, yes, it took me awhile to get to this point)

I mean, I truly value what others think of me... up to the point that it begins to hurt me.

This, was hurting me.

I have let myself shrink back and feel like so much less than who I really am.

And this is so much more of a mental/emotional shift than a physical one.

Which makes it that much harder.

They say, if you hear something ofter enough you will begin to believe it is true.

THIS is a case of that.

I was conditioned to feel this way. I was persuaded to think it was OK and that is how it should be....

Until. I remembered it wasn't.

It has taken me too long reach this point of sharp indifference.

But it isn't indifference, really... It is more... Apathy.

Because I have done a complete mental/emotional shift.

I have crossed the proverbial threshold into "No-Seriously-I-Am-Fucking-Above-This"

And in NSIAFAT, is where you can see yourself clearly (with a hint of arrogance) and really make the progress you need to.

I have thrown myself headlong into work, and have reaped some major benefits and hit a wall of exhaustion. I have been working on myself: creatively, physically, emotionally.

And it working.

I can feel the change in myself.

I act differently. I feel differently.

I am more me... once again.

Yes, there is a serious undercurrent of doubt, that it is a sham or that it wont last.

Only, I think the tide will roll out eventually, because once you find yourself (again) you have to work to lose yourself again.

Don't think I've been brainwashed. Don't think I've lost my mind and gone all spiritual.

Nope.

Quite the contrary.

I've got some fat paychecks (amazing how much more you're willing to work when you have no desire to see anyone but strangers and co-workers).

I've saved a TON of money (amazing how much you save when you're not driving halfway around the world for someone who wont move an inch for you, or always eating on the fly due to said driving).

I've found some center (ok, so Yoga did this, but I like the forced relaxation and dedicated focus to yourself to do it right). I found some education (I have seen more movies and read more books with my FULL attention... amazing how much more attention when you aren't having it diverted by someone's needs).

I found some friends (re-connection is GLORIOUS-- the people you loose to wayside when in a relationship is ASTOUNDING).

So what does this do with Lazarus?

It goes back to Plath (yes, Sylvia) and her poem Lady Lazarus and the haphazard pain of being reborn:

"And I a smiling woman. I am only thirty. And like the cat I have nine times to die."

Ok, So I am not 30, yet, But I feel this way about heartbreak. I mean, I keep giving it out, getting questionable amounts in return, yet... I keep doing it. I keep falling, dying and rising again and again and again.

"For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge For the hearing of my heart--

It really goes.  And there is a charge, a very large charge For a word or a touch Or a bit of blood"

Again, the never ending scars of the battlefield that is love. The remains of your person, after another tramples all the fuck over you. But yet, there is a "change for the hearing of my heart"... I take that to mean to be able to listen to yourself through the filter of yourself again.

But you see... This is not a poetry lesson, this is just the excerpts that apply and how I was inspired.

Yes, I had to read the musings of a "crazy" person to find my sanity.

But here I am, in my bight clear day, feeling better than I have in a very VERY long time.