But I have really been thinking about this readers, and I think... I think we all play games. I mean, in relationships. Now before you launch into some "don't hate the player, hate the game" rant and take your earrings out, think about it. We all play little games, in our "romantic relationships".
There are the learning games:
The I-don't-want-to-reveal-too-much-too-soon games. Like 20 Questions... only the Relationship Version (i.e. When was your last relationship?). Or the I-am-on-my-best-behavior games. You know, where you always make sure you look your best, and your house is clean and that you untagged any embarrassing photos on facebook. But then suddenly, you get a text saying he is on his way (like parking the car) and this gives you just enough time to throw and and all clutter in the bathtub and then pull the shower curtain closed. Only to find it is still damp from the shower you just took and now your magazines are adhered to you tub floor.
There are the testing games:
You have to develop boundaries in relationships. Don't lie and be all "I want to share everything with my partner" that is total rubbish. NO, you don't. You think you do, until your "You" time is totally consumed by your partner then you no longer have time to read your trash websites, watch your trash dvds, AND do you really want them to see you pluck eyebrows and shave your legs?? NO. You do little "tests" to see what is ok, and what is not. Like, not calling or texting in your usual pattern. Or digging a little deeper into personal info (like family, not bank accounts, but that is my style). Also admit it, you have to test it in the bedroom, what is ok, and what isn't... Like you really want to find out in the beginning that the only way he will do it is missionary? or that he doesn't want to do it? (BELIEVE ME you want to find out ALL of this sooner rather than later)
So see... we all play little games, to get the footing of the relationship. I feel it is important to use these "tools" to establish the relationship. It is another thing to start using them to gain an edge on your partner or as tools for manipulation (both of which are WRONG).
In trolling one of my favorite websites I ran across a list. I liked it, only because it is the exact same set of Anti-Rules I have adopted for my new foray into relationships (or the lack there of) ALSO it hilariously ties into my latest guy mishap, which is why I am sure you are reading this.
Here is the mishap:
I was talking to (TALKING being the operative) a guy. And suddenly after 3 weeks of talking, drinking, and playing. It seems to have come to a halt (seems, because well... the talking has stopped). Now, I can reflect and see that maybe I said too much (I am a writer, I do like to communicate). But from where I am, that is the only stand out "issue" (issue, because what do you call someone that could end something that had hardly started that you may or may not have done). Granted, he could have a whole other take on this... BUT guess what... this is MY blog, and ME and MY SIDE of things (hello, "selfish-help" 101).
So, I thinking I am very clever and moderately hilarious send the following message after a few days silence-- and some additional weirdness from a friend. "We're just f*cking, right?" Can we just enjoy that for a second. The simple, brutal honesty of it. Oh, and the hilarity. So to me, the only obvious answers are A) yes B) no C) why D) wtf E) laughter.
Maybe there are more, but those are my top 5.
It has been a couple of days since this message was sent. And total silence. It is my assumption that whatever was starting to happen, is no longer happening. Which is fine. Because clearly, he doesn't get the joke-- or does, and is embarrassed about being called out on it. So, I don't need (or want him); I mean, it was, really... but I honestly want someone who gets the joke, and wont leave me in silence for a couple days (I'm sorry, that text is just to hilarious to overlook).
Now, with that out there in Internetlandia, we shall see...
Back to the rules.
AE's and Jezebels 12 Anti-Rules for Love
1. Stop trying so hard.
2. Stop being so cautious.
3. Stop analyzing your every move.
4. Stop expecting your guy to act like a caveman.
5. Stop apologizing for being strong.
6. Stop being afraid to have needs and vulnerabilities.
7. Stop running after guys who don't want you.
8. Stop looking for a guy without issues.
9. Stop manipulating the guy you love.
10. Stop regretting every false step you ever took.
11. Stop thinking of loss as a pure loss.
1. Stop trying so hard.
"Love is not a Rubik's Cube either. You can't solve its riddles by clicking the red, blue, green, yellow, etc., pieces neatly into place. You'll only get blisters on your fingers. So give yourself the heavenly permission to let love do the heavy lifting all by itself. Not only will this feel great, but it will save you a fortune in therapist and manicure fees." Thanks Jez. No, really. Stop trying? OK... before we stop shaving and forgo manicures (I don't like them, I'm a sucker for a pedi anyways). I think this means, stop trying to be what HE wants you to be... not forgo the grooming. I also think that includes faking it (yes, the O's, and the "Me too's"); if you wanna keep the fake tan, do it.
2. Stop being so cautious.
"Love is one of those human experiences where caution is overrated. If you want to be safe, go shopping at Zara with your best friend. The worst that can happen to you there is that you won't be able to resist the adorable little black dress on sale. But when it comes to love, don't expect caution to get you anywhere. Applying caution to love is like driving uphill with your emergency brake on. You might be able to keep going for a while, but eventually, you'll need to find a mechanic." Jez, you are right again (I think I will make Jez my new cohost here... unless someone else wants the job). HOWEVER... um yeah, you need to use some caution, and contraceptive. Probably both, at the same time. And, just in case you are 12, and have never been in a) love or b) a serious relationship... then lack of caution is expected. You don't know better. However, for those of us in the adult set... You can't not use caution. A broken heart makes you cautious, and more cautious with each subsequent break. You learn to not show it. You learn FROM it. But ladies, use caution. Because you never really know what kind of guy he is (during the relationship or even post-relationship... yeah... who NEEDS a stalker? NO ONE.).
3. Stop analyzing your every move.
"The more time you spend analyzing your love life, the less time you'll have left for loving. You'll give yourself a splitting headache. So save yourself the trouble and don't try to think it through. Except, of course, when you start to get that sinking feel- ing in the pit of your stomach that tells you that something is seriously wrong. If you begin to feel injured, damaged, offended, or nauseated, feel free to think yourself right out the door." I have nothing to add to this. Key words here YOUR MOVE.
4. Stop expecting your guy to act like a caveman.
"Unless, of course, you're ready to be dragged through the city streets by your hair. The great thing is that when you stop insist- ing that your guy is the direct descendant of an ape, you might end up with someone as glossy as Gossip Girl's Nate. Okay. Maybe not the actual Nate. But someone who is willing to furrow his brow, flash a smile, and chatter away just like the real one." Jez, I love you, really; I disagree. Guys will always be cavemen... Some just evolved to a more upright and less imposing forehead. They all still act in their baser instincts. They all still use monosyllables as their main form of communication. And the best ones, still crave meat. I wouldn't let this expectation go... but realize there is room for a few to evolve.
5. Stop apologizing for being strong.
"This one is worth repeating like a mantra: Stop apologizing for being strong and self-sufficient. Men worth dating are much more likely to want precisely these qualities than artificial displays of feminine neediness. There isn't much that's more pathetic than guys who need to put women down in order to convince themselves of their masculine valor. Who needs these guys?" Jez is dead on. I mean don't most guys complain that we are all universally "too needy"? And I will venture to add to this STOP APOLOGIZING when you don't mean it. I mean, I apologize for the weather, traffic, someone's bad day, and slow service at a restaurant. NONE of these things are my fault. So why be sorry? Yeah. Stop apologizing, post haste.
6. Stop being afraid to have needs and vulnerabilities.
"Being strong doesn't mean that you're Supergirl, or even Lois Lane. You have needs. You have vulnerabilities. You even have episodes of hopelessness. You have moments when you want a strong shoulder to lean on. But so does your guy. Having someone compassionate to turn to during times of breakdown is worth more than Superman's red cape. Your guy knows this as well as you do. That's why he's with you." Jez... we divide again. We all know they don't want to see us cry (any more than we want to see them). Yes we need a compassionate man... you know what you need more, a man that will listen. But also, comprehend. I need a man who will listen to my trouble, without wanting to fix it. We know you are the fixers and want for action (hehehe). But sometimes, just listening is important. SO, my division on this is I know we women are not afraid of having needs and vulnerabilities, it is more, we are afraid of you NOT meeting those needs, or our needs being too much. We are afraid of being too vulnerable and of thus, getting hurt.
7. Stop running after guys who don't want you.
"There's no point in pursuing a reluctant man. You'll only get a cramp in your side. And then your heart starts to hurt. You'll lose your confidence. You'll begin to doubt your desirability. You'll get your hair done so often that half of it falls out. Your friends start plotting an intervention. Before they get to it, it's time to stage your own. If you need to fly to Moscow to stop chasing that guy, do so. You absolutely deserve a man who meets you halfway." Jez, preach it. And I will add... don't stay with a man who doesn't want you... I did... for too long, without realizing he "just wasn't that into me." Remember, you are worth it. You are worth a man meeting you AT LEAST half way. AT. LEAST. I put so many miles on my last car because of my Ex who wouldn't meet me, or come to me... yeah. Stop. Just stop running and driving and chasing those losers who don't want you.
8. Stop looking for a guy without issues.
"Everyone has issues. And guys with some complicated ones are often more interesting than those whose main issue is choosing the right pair of loafers in the morning. Do you require your- self to be completely free of issues-completely devoid of doubts, anxieties, insecurities, uncertainties, and ambivalences? No? So I thought. Why, then, would you expect your guy to be like a newborn babe with no history or human hesitation?" Jez, dammit... you are are starting to get to me. I don't think women go out hunting for issue-less guys. I think we hunt guys without MAJOR issues (commitmentphobe? nope. not interested). It is not a lot to ask a guy to not be a sociopath, psychopath, or active drug addict. Really? I mean, I think after a certain point we realize none of us have a perfectly clean past. We all have been through things, done things... Some of which we are not proud. But everyone has their own lines in this category.
9. Stop manipulating the guy you love.
"Focus on building a complex character. Make some money. Get going with your career. Learn Italian. Take up cross-country skiing. Bake five thousand cookies. Hand them out to everyone from your boss to the cute FedEx delivery guy. If you need a project, treat your life like a work of art. Try to make a masterpiece out of it. But don't do this to the guy you're dating. Once he realizes that you've turned your relationship into a paper-mâché project, he'll resent you. A lot." See the first half of this entry about playing games... seriously, shit is not cool.
10. Stop regretting every false step you ever took.
"It's hard to get things right in love. People get hurt. You get hurt. You end up hurting your guy. No matter how much you try to protect yourself from such mishaps, they happen. They happen if you're actually loving rather than just playing house with someone you kind of like. Missing your step, and even missing your way, is part of love's reality. It forces you to reassess the path you're on. It asks you to make some modifications. This is its way of shaping your soul."Jez, you sound like a therapist. Let's re-assess this. How about... Stop beating yourself up over shit that is already done. Yeah, I like that better... ohh you left the "t" off of the text saying "righ" brush it off, you already hit send.
11. Stop thinking of loss as a pure loss.
"Keep in mind that we rarely lose valuable things without getting something in return. The payback may be slow in coming. And some- times it's hard to even recognize it as such. But if you wait long enough, even the worst loss is likely to bring a compensation. If nothing else, it purifies your character so that when the next hot guy comes along, you'll have enough charisma to magnetize him. He'll be so smitten that he'll fly you to Tahiti on a vacation for two. You'll pay for the hotel room, of course. You're not a charity case. Not you." GOD DAMMNED right Jez. Sorta. A loss is a loss is a loss. I tend to think of it as a sports team standing. Like 12-1. or something... or maybe like the racetrack 5:1. Either way... if you were not majorly committed, or in a long term relationship... then chalk it up to experience. Loss of a lover/hook-up/friends with benefits is nothing like the loss of a family member or BFFFE. You cannot replace those. However, a dick is a dick in the dark... keep that in mind sweetheart.
AND NUMBER 12:
Stop trying so hard. "There you go. These are your twelve anti-rules. They won't guarantee your everlasting happiness. They won't even guarantee a ring on your finger. And, alas, they definitely won't guarantee that Tom Welling will super-speed to your side when the going gets tough. But they'll guarantee that you will have lived. Boldly. Bravely. Audaciously. Like a true lover."
Fact. These rules don't guarantee shit. In fact. A final disclaimer. This is just my take, and my experiences or those of my friends. Judge as you will. Think what you will. But dammit... You will learn from it. And worst case scenario, this story will get ya laid... seriously, guys love disinterested, oblivious and mostly unapproachable.
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