Traitor

Nothing like a bomb (figurative) being dropped to a) ruin a day, and b) change your course of action.

I mean, I will replay today over and wonder, if I had woken up when my alarm went off-- would have answered my phone? Will something as small as that have changed the way today went?

I realize now, that today has already happened and well on it's way out (I mean it is 6pm my time). So there isn't a way around that. BUT I can however be completely proactive about my future.

I can say with 10000% certainty, that I saw my Ex too soon, let him back in too soon and from here, I can see the error in my ways.

I guess I wanted to get around the sadness and the anger, so, I let myself do it. I let myself let him back into my life. Against mine and everyone elses better judgment. I did it. I guess I thought it would be better. I guess I thought things had changed. They hadn't. I am finding myself in a situation I was in before. Only, different. Like... We are not together, and there are no allegiance to one another...

And you know maybe it is better that way....
No one wants to a friendly fire incident... so just eliminate the friendly, keep the fire.

More. Now. Please.

OK... I have been majorly slack in updating. For that, I apologize.

Let me catch you up on what I've been up to:

Making friends:
Rather keeping up with friends. For the first time in a long while I feel like I have a little network of people that I can kind of rely on. I've also been prepping for my trip to California. Which I am beyond STOKED about. Frankly, I think I need to get out a little bit. I've been trapped in TX for a while with no break from the norms of family and work. I've been feeling trapped. I need to get out, find an ocean and find my perspective and creativity... ohhh and my BFFE and important things like girly nights and potent cocktails.

Making enemies:
Now. I am not a a vicious person, unless crossed. And well... Someone crossed me, ok well, 2 people crossed me. And it is A LOT easier to target all that anger at on person.
This guy I was seeing, just stopped seeing me. I chalked it up to losing his job and complications with his family. To me, that is a legit set of reason to cut some one out for a bit. However, that was not the case. He started seeing someone else, and cut me out. I shouldn't have been upset. We had made no claims to one another... but I really felt I was owed at least notification of his new find. But that's just me.
WELL.... I ran into him and his new her at a party I went to with a friend. Well, while he thinks he is quite charming and possibly musically talented... she is sleeping around. This does not surprise me. It amuses me. So much so I started taking bets on which boy she would bed that night at the party. I drew up a clever chart using letters and shapes and complicated algerbraic looking formulas to thinly hide what I was doing.
I surveyed party guests, but took no money. When I was done... I taped it to the fridge for ALL to see.
Lesson: Don't fuck with me. I can ruin you. *kisses*

Working like a dog
I have been working like crazy. Hence the need for the California trip. I'm feeling a bit run down... and I don't want to resent my job.

Dating.
I am dating(?) my Ex, still.... Dating is the only term I know. I refuse to label it, because I don't know what it is. But I like it. It is really comfortable and exciting. Things have been better then the last 2 tries we had...

So... yeah
That's what I have been doing... That's been what's keeping me from you.

Hopeless... Romantic

I am resigned to admit that I am a hopeless romantic.
Not so much that I desperately fall in love with every boy I meet. But, more so, that I think that every boy I fall for could be the one.
I realize just how silly it sounds. I realize how naive it makes me. I realize how lame some of those boys were.

I think I am the feline equivalent of relationships. Cats have 9 lives... I've had 5 relationships (serious, important relationships). I am am either luckier than that... and will continue to have more... or this is the end of the line, and shall start adopting cats and become the youngest spinster known.

Relationships Road Less Traveled

JS
He was my high school "sweetheart". I deff file this under the "young and in love" umbrella, in the "i-was-new-in-town-and-knew-no-one" subcategory. I wont get into the specifics... but it was a good starter relationship. Even though we were totally different. However, I knew then that he wasn't the one I was going to marry (if I ever married). This became even more apparent after reconnecting with him AFTER graduating collage and AFTER bouncing around the western half of the country. I firmly believe if I would have stayed with him, from high school or upon reconnecting... I would be barefoot and pregnant in a trailer park in the town I went to high school in.

AR
He was my "big love- big mistake". We met in college, fell in love and got engaged (like we were supposed to, right?). I was hell bent on being some brand of noted writer-photographer-PR extraordinaire. He was going to be a rising track star-band front man- photographer-tattoo artist. Together we would have cemented our lives in some little artist community or something in Austin... taking full advantage of the artists, the music scene.... everything. This probably would have worked, and possibly we would have been happy... IF he hadn't screwed every "model" he worked with and fucked every "study partner" all while keeping me on the line and engaged to his philandering ass. Needless to say, this did not end well... and subsequently, I graduated and left the state (not entirely a coincidence).

NC
After changing states... this guy and I met. And despite some ups and downs and some... hang ups. We were happy. We survived 6months of poverty. We both worked multiple jobs. We had friends, a life, and we had each other. I could see it with him. Getting married in some hippie style mountain ceremony, and continuing our tattoo'd and pierce'd adventures. But somewhere between, the death of my dog, losing my job and finding another one in California. We slipped apart. He wanted to stay, and he was my only reason for staying. And, with no commitment from him, I didn't think that was reason enough to stay; I asked him to come with me to California, he declined. And... with that, we parted ways. I was a little heartbroken. But it wasn't because he had broken my heart... it was because I had lost my partner and my best friend.

JR
This was the worst thing ever.
It took up a year of my life... and I just block it out.

NN
This is the ex I keep referring to. I knew we were different. I mean, he is from another country for Chissake. But, in the beginning, we were so happy together. Respectful, considerate and literally could not get enough of each other. I got a passport for this guy, thinking, literally, we were going somewhere. And that's what I saw us doing. He would graduate and go on do work for the UN or some other government agency using his language and conflict management degrees... and I would go too. Either keep slinging tee's like I am now, or man up and pursue writing and photography. Or something. But, in trying to grow together, we grew apart... and then broke apart. But to be honest, I really it saw it with him. I really did think he was the proverbial "the one." I saw us happy here (in TX. But in a more urban setting), or on the west coast, or somewhere in Europe (to which I would saw screw work and I would attempt to enjoy all Euro offerings because I have never been.).

And... also, admittedly, we've been dating(?). I've mentioned this before in the Date with the Devil blog. I've been on more dates with him... and it is now, like it was in the beginning. However, I am not letting myself get swept away. I am not letting myself get swept away (again) or too starry eyed (again). But rather, just trying to enjoy the moment (advice my BFFFE has given me).

Now, again, I can feel you eye rolling me. I can feel you "tsk-tsk-tisk"-ing me.
But, in the dates and discussions he and I have had... Things feel better. Things feel different this time (yes, that is cliche, yes it is naive), and yes that is what they all say.
But, I will give this disclaimer:

NO ONE needs help navigating the good of the relationship. EVERYONE needs help navigating the bad. That is why you go to friends for advice, and subsequently paint your partner in a less than flattering light.

So yeah... Clearly, I am hopeless. and a bit of a romantic.

What I Want....

I've never REALLY known what I wanted, in any aspect of my life. It changes on a whim. It changes when the wind blows. I, however, can narrow it down by what I do not want.

I dug up my concept life map I made in a college class, in it was a pro/con list of traits I desire in a partner. Surprisingly enough, I still feel the same. I mean, the list I created was very honest and very specific. It is not often I find you can still agree with a list you made 6 years ago.

In it, I detailed someone who had their own life, passions, career; who was of both sound body, mind and potentially soul. Someone who was smart without pomp, someone who was funny without slapstick, someone who understood without being judgmental. I did however neglect to include the qualities he must bring to the relationship table. Like, someone who can effectively communicate regardless of the situation. Or someone who knows better than to let silence/time resolve an issue. Someone who understands that attention and affection are very important to me--and the relationship I (we) am (are) in. I realize, maybe this is an impossible man, and maybe, just maybe, I've been searching for the impossible man.

A man so impossible, that I seem to find pieces of him in the fantastic assholes I seem to date. I catch myself "settling" for a good part instead of a great whole. (I am sooooo insightful) Men who are smart (bookishly smart), but constantly make me feel stupid. Men who refuse to talk to me, but keep me in the same room. Men who give me attention or affection but no attachment. Men who use me and retain me, but add others to the equation.

Sadly, I know what I deserve (ok, rather, think I know what I deserve). And I keep on looking for it, thinking I'll find it.

I realize now you may be telling me my problem is the fact I am looking for it.

Well, dear readers, I am looking for it because if I don't, I am convinced it wont find me. I live a life consumed by work and bills (as do many people) and cherish my time away from work and want to spend it with those (friends/significant other) who care. I don't do fake and I don't think much of flings anymore. I know you're muttering something about how when you stop looking for it, it will find me. Maybe you're right.

Maybe, I should detach myself from all potential "romantic" (and otherwise) entanglements; give myself a clean slate.

But then... I have a problem.
The crippling loneliness that will creep in on me. Because without the parade of friends and part-time lovers, I find that I am, in fact, alone.

I don't want to be alone.

Date with the "Devil"

"Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't"

Apparently it is better to do something that you know is bad (or slightly bad) then to do something you know is inherently bad.
Well... I did something.
I went on a "date" (I don't know for sure of that is what the incident was, however, I was asked out and treated to an outing and dinner AND drinks... so that may be a date) with my ex.

I think I just felt all of you eye roll me.

Look. I have no idea what is happening. AT ALL.
In fact, I came into this with a lot of questions, apprehensions and fears. And I was left, with even more.

I have no idea if it was a good or bad idea. I have no idea what it means. I have. Quite literally. NO. Idea.

I have friends that want me to decide what I want from it.
I don't know how to decide what I want... actually I do. It would require me to write and send him a 20 questions email full of open ended questions.
Yeah.
No guy in his right mind actually wants to do that.
So, I have to decided what to do....

This is what I have done:
a) got my heart broken.
b) shelved all feelings for the boy who did the breaking
c) boxed said feelings up and did not look at them for a month
d) threw myself into dating
e) was asked to be friends with said ex by said ex
f) lost my proverbial shit
g) confronted said ex about said request
h) became an emotional mess

yeah... that pretty much sums it up.

oh wait... i) asked on "date" with ex and j) went on "date" with ex.

now... THAT sums it up.


Now, I am "Between the Devil and the deep blue sea."

Tools.... of the trade

So.
I realize that there are tools for everything... I mean, seriously, I have 30 different types of variably shaped brushes to make my face look perfect. I get it. Tools, of any trade, are important.

I am beginning to wonder if I've lost my tools for boy trapping (I realize now that I get images of a hunters cap -- a la Catcher in the Rye, camo, and an orange safety vest).
I mean, have I lost the ability? the skill? nay, the prowess?

I mean, I like to think myself quite the conversationalist. I have an extensive vocabulary and the ability to string words together in a way that makes it both interesting and pleasing to the ear. I also have a little knowledge on A LOT of things.
OH WAIT.
Boys are not impressed with such brainy matters.
Boys are impressed by T&A.
And I have some T&A.
But I tend to rely on.... Not my T&A.

I digress.
In my last entry I talked about being desired... and I am now wondering if it is all by my own hand.
In Sex and the City (SATC) Carrie talked about having x amount of tears for man.
I have starting to think we (mostly I) only have the capacity for so much love. Like, you have x amount of love that you can choose to give out and share but in the end that is all you have. I don't see love as something of infinite quantity.

So, I wonder, am I out of love?
Recently, I tried to quantify how much I have left (if any). Because when I look at boys, all I can see is potential heartbreak. Even if a relationship is out of the question. It seems like being a risk assessor. I'm seeing things like cheater, loser, user... instead of fire hazard, high blood pressure and high risk... well... I see high risk also.

I don't know what to do now... I've tried to work for love, it didn't pay well. I tried to beg love to stay, but she walked out anyway-- and didn't return the key.

l'objet de soif

C'est une chose être désirée ; un autre être voulu.

I survived Valentines Day, mostly unscathed.
I had no Valentine. I didn't get any show of presents or flowers. In fact, I only got one Valentines Day text and it was the next day; wishing me a belated Valentines Day.
I was a little upset... I mean, what girl doesn't want something from a Secret Admirer on Valentines Day.

Then I realized the boys I've become recently involved with.... well...

I have received A LOT of physical attention.
A LOT.
It is almost safe to say that I may or may not have had more physical attention/affection in the last month than I did in the last SIX in my previous relationship.
Yeah.... That.
True. THIS was one of the wrenches bollixing up the gears of my last relationship... the TOTAL. LACK. OF. PHYSICAL. ANYTHING. (aside from my general presence in the room)

But here I am.
Enjoying the physical attentions being showered on me (don't be gross). And yet, I am unsatisfied.
I know the old adages about wanting what you don't have and also something about the grass being greener on the other side. But... is there a place, say on the fence line where you can have it?

I guess, in light of Valentine's Day... I'm questioning why these boys want me, desire me and most likely want to fuck me... but don't want to actually be with me. I mean, maybe they do. Maybe one does? Hell, maybe none of them do. I honestly, cannot tell.
This has me wondering, I am looking for too much.
From the sound of it... it sounds like I want to have my cake and eat it too.
AND... I DO.
I do think it is entirely possible to be in a relationship that has a great physical, mental and emotional connection.
I mean, most of my life I have been told I can have it all. OK, not all, but a lot of it.

I mean, I don't want to say this but we (generally speaking of women) want a Frankenstein of relationships.
HOLD ON. HEAR ME OUT.
What I am saying is we want the best of all aspects of all the great leading men (I blame this, again on my indulgence of classic literature and rom-com's).
Like... we want the bankroll and power of Chuck Bass, the quirk of John Cusack, the suave of Bogart or Clark Gable, the words of Keats, brains of Mulder.... I hope you're getting the point because if I keep going I will invent my man on the page.

But all that sensitive shit aside.
I want someone who wants me, and not just for great tits and an awesome ass... but for my wit, my humor, and my charm (heh). Someone who embraces the curves, and the brains that come with it.

Until then..... well... I don't mind being "une muse de désir"