Matters of the Heart

In a serious matter... My mom is having surgery tomorrow (to have a pacemaker put in). And the amount of worry I have about this has factored into everything. I'm not performing as well at work, and I am completely consumed by this fear to an almost irrational point.

So... how does this factor into me dealing with a break up?
Easy.
My former boyfriend and I were very close. And he is also the closest to me (physically), all my friends live rather far away.

I realize in him dumping me that I must relinquish ANY ideas that he might answer a phone call.

Yes, I, in a fit wiggingthefuckout called him.
Yes, it was very, very... it wasn't a good idea, lets just say that.
I'm sure you're asking "why the hell would you call the guy who dumped you" and "are you crazy" and any other questions that I am pretty sure I am too embarrassed to want to answer.

Let me say this: IF (and it is a big if) the tables were turned, if he was going through something like this. I would put the BS of a break up aside; and realize that someone I care very deeply for is going through something very tough for them. I would also realize that if he was as isolated as I feel (friends and family flung here and there and everywhere, but none with in a 30 min comfort inducing drive away), than I would put the break up BS aside. And attempt to be there in the capacity that they would let me.
HOWEVER. I realize that not everyone is me. Not everyone would react as I would. I also realize I am asking for something very difficult.

And also (here comes the angry-dumped-girl) I feel he owes me. Within the last year I had an aunt pass (from cancer), and I took her passing very hard: a) she was amazing and it is a true loss to our family and b) it was my first adult death shocking me into the real reality of mortality. To put it mildly, when I went to him in support during this mater, he did not handle the situation well. He has admitted that he handled it poorly (even if it was during the the break up convo MONTHS after the fact) and apologized. So, yeah, I kinda think I am owed one very understanding/comforting conversation, at least.

Yes, I realize I could have called a friend, or another family member. Yes, I could have just not picked up my phone at all. Yes, I could have just sat in my car and got my self together before I moved it. Yes, I could just accept that everything is going to be fine because this is a routine procedure that is done all day every day everywhere blah blah blah...

But, I am not. I did call a friend. I did sit in my car for awhile, just not long enough. And I have no other choice to accept that yes, everything will be fine. And I will admit, that the biggest reason I wanted to talk to him was because I wanted comfort. I wanted someone to reach out to me, for me. Hold me close and comfort me. I wanted someone to make me FEEL that everything would really be ok.

That is why, readers, I called.