Just, a moment.

We walked in, close behind one another.

We were headed in the same direction. Walking with the same purpose.

The doors open, we all pass through.

Head right for the bar.

Deep in the crowd, pushing forward.

Edging others out for drinks.

Our fingers lace through each other's.

Small circles traced on the back's of hands.

Tightly knit, hands release and graduate to the small's of our backs.

Pull each other close.

Not for warmth. Not for comfort.

Just so. Just because.

Bold moves for shy ones such as us.

We think we know what we're up to.

Eyes catch. Smiles flash.

The lights flash. The crowd ebbs and swells.

Eyes ahead.

A friendly squeeze. A knowing glance.

Eyes lock.

A slow lean in.

The choreographed tilt of heads necks.

A breath, a pause, a A breath.

A kiss.

The crowds stops swirling.

The need for drinks subsides.

And all there is....

is a kiss.

Stolen Moments

So my wish came true... I got to sit by the guy I like.

Funny how passengers on the plane shifted themselves for us, so we could sit together. Maybe it was the way we kept eyeing each other and texting (pre-take off) or maybe it was the fact no one wanted to sit by either of us (him with the beard and me with the tattoos). Either way... I got what I wanted and have the BEST 4 hour flight I have ever had.

What made it sooooo amazing (besides his very presence next to me).... the stolen moments that no one saw.

Once we were buckled in, next to each other, we settled in. Fighting for the arm rest, mostly, I am sure just so we could touch. Our knees touching underneath our jeans (probably just because of the sheer lack of space). Our heads bent towards one another, deep in conversation-- probably driving all the other passengers nuts with our constant chatter. I didn't care, I wanted to hear what he had to say. And, he was genuinely interested in what I had to say (when does that ever happen?).

We shared his ipod, and his headphones... heads tilted in, eyes down on the ipod screen. Bonding over shared love for certain bands and agreeing to disagree on others. Every once and a while, I'd look up and him, and he would look down at me. Our eyes meet and then we'd both smile and go back to looking at the screen.

It was comfortable. In such a good way. The way, that I like to think, many couples strive for-- not the he and I are a couple. Let me make that clear. That conversation has not been had-- and I don't want to have it yet. I just want to enjoy all these little moments I had with him.

That way I can run it on loop, set to music, like a movie montage.

During the event this past weekend, we had a few more moments....

Finding each other between classes (yes, class-- it was a corporate event and we were forced to learn). Talking together, bodies turned in and heads close together (clearly focused and interested in one another). Sitting together at meals (yes-- again, corporate event). Sitting together on the bus (how else do you transport that many people), our hands finding each other.

I am sure you want to vomit now... with this talk of Junior High sweethearts.

But, it's true. All of it. I am not even embellishing. And I am a writer, I am entitled and expected to do so.

All I know now, is that I want more....

A lot more.

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones can break some bones....

But in other cases, they can build civilizations.

I am at the airport, once again, jetting off to the west coast. This time is for work, not so much play. I'm sitting here, clicking away, getting ready the peace and quite of the plane. OH and the forced separation from the connected world (I refuse to pay for internet in-flight, ever again-- that's why I carry a stash of books and mags with me).

But I sit here mulling over hurtful words said to me a few days ago.

I should let them go, I mean, it was just a text message from an angry ex. But in all honesty, it pissed me off.

It has taken YEARS for me to learn to step up and stand up to the men in my life. And when I do, I get so verbally smacked it makes me question why do it in the first place.

Well... I do know why I do it. Because I know I deserve better... Ok, not 'deserve' but... Need. Yes, I need better than what they have given.

I do it because I am tired of being walked on. You can claim me to be a lot of things in a relationship, but un-supportive, un-forgiving and evil are not any of them.

That's why a stupid text pissed me off.

I am sure that makes me quite childish.

I mean, a) a text and b) from someone so far away.

I really should let it go.

So again, here I am in the airport.

People watching and blogging due to total lack of other amusements.

All the while my thoughts leaning towards the man I have been talking to.

I keep wondering if he is on my flight, which, I actually know he is. Then I wonder if we will sit together. Because, I really want to. Only, let's face facts, some airlines assign seats (I am using that airline). However, fate/kismet/cosmic alignment have brought us together on the same flight... soooo..... I am going to put faith in the stars and say we will be sitting in close proximity to one another.

But back to the message of sticks and stones.

I will forever be amazed by another's ability to build you up and tear you down. I mean, it has been said that there is a fine line between love and hate and both require a passion.

I guess my testament is that it is much much more terrifying to be involved in those fires than it is to just read about them.

And I will firmly believe that indifference is cruelest thing one can do to another (after an emotional affair). I mean, to remain in love with someone is one thing. To hate someone is another. But to find that place of cold-seemingly-heartless indifference is brutal. That implies that you have erased someone from your life and that all you have left is a selective memory, name, and maybe a trinket or two.

But then, in doing the latter of the 3... you have created what appears to be clear foundation to begin anew.

And who doesn't want a fresh start? Who wants to continue living on and battling the ghosts of ex's past?

ME.

The entire time I have been single I have battled my own ghosts. And I am done. I have had it. I am ready for something new.

Something fresh I can build or help build from the ground up.

Hunting.

The trill of the hunt is what drives us. Right?

I mean, boys want girls that they can't have or doesn't want them right now... and well, we women love being the object of affection/attention.

But, I think it boils down more to what exactly we are hunting for. I mean clearly some are on a mission just for sex, a good time, a good night or a good partner.

To be honest (which is all I do here), I want to find all of that-- in one person. Which, I realize is a fucking stretch. But why?

Why is it so much to ask that someone be good (low end spectrum of tolerance) at sex, a good time, a good sleeping partner (actual sleeping) and a generally good person to be in a relationship with... I feel like I am reaching for the stars with that.

I think I have a certain amount of naivete on my side-- despite all the shit that I have been through relationship wise. I think that comes from good (subjective term) relationship models (everyone on my mother's side is married, together and seemingly happy), and an un-healthy diet of classic literature where everything is redeemable/fixable/un-regrettable and obstacle free.

But after everything I have been through in my relationships, I don't want to settle for a man (yes, MAN-- not a boy, not a dude). I mean, I've come close to settling. Trust me.

Due to the extreme amount of lying/fronting/faking (the faking on my part) I have actually become A LOT better at spotting them.

Now, here I could go through the various list of cads I have dated... and full on disclose their lying/fronting/faking deeds. But I wont.

In stead, I will say what I did.

I've:

- faked being cool with disinterest in me.

- faked being cool with driving half-way around the world multiple times for multiple dudes.

- fronted that the relationship wasn't a sham.

- fronted that things were ok when they were falling apart.

- fronted that no one else knew what was going one.

- fronted that I had no clue what was going on, when I had a clue, the truth and the proof.

See.. I can see that we are all guilty of it. Only... I didn't pretend to be someone I'm not, I didn't lie to cover up what I was doing.

And maybe I am trying clean the slate, a little, since I found a new guy that I am really into. And, I am not fronting with this guy. I am totally me. 100% me. even more so than with every other guy. I don't edit myself at all with him. I misspell things, say the wrong thing, and speak without thinking. And, he admits to liking me for it. Which I still find shocking, but exciting.

I mean he appreciates my thoughtful phrasings, gets my jokes and gets the stuff that I am into. Maybe he is too good to be true... Maybe it is all just a sham to get into my pants. But it is a sham I am buying into.

And there was some conversational overlap with MKSA.

Which. THAT is... an accident. I was talking to both of them. However, I was dating neither of them. And I know that seems a bit, shady. But MKSA ha his shot, 2. actually... And as much as I adore(d) him. He fronted this time around, and lost me. Do not front. It is not worth it.

And well, this new one (without a moniker still) is someone I have cultivated a friendship with. We are actual friends. Only recently, to me, has there been the development of something more. I am not sure how much more, but I am not ready to lose sleep over that yet. But I like the prospect of something actually new, something history-free and for someone to learn/get to know me for me (the version apparently no ex could with).

Now, I realize I am probably sounding bitter... And maybe I am, a little. But I am a grown woman how knows that happily ever after is a long sought after myth, so I take it with a grain of salt.

But all myths started with some basis of truth. Right?

It is inTENTS, really.

I've been busy.

I working really hard, then got on a plane to California (instead of to Boston).

And since i've been in California it has been a whirlwind of activity leading up to my birthday, the 13th.

And yesterday was full on Recovery Day, lots of eating, sleeping and some hair of the dog for good measure.

But don't think I have been neglecting my duties as a blogger and observational humorist. I have been keeping tabs on those things with my tiny notebook and thoughtful notes.

Run down of notes:

AIRPORT

I wrote this little piece about how nice it is to forced to separate yourself from your stuff and all connections to the world outside of the airport (Southwest does not offer wifi). But then I got distracted by DJ MarcRonsonWannabe (for all I know, it could have been him... but I doubt it was). BUT this guy DJ MRW, had case after case (3 actually) with him as carry-ons (how he got 3 and I only got my backpack is still a mystery. Anyways, he just makes himself at home... as we all did, there were only 65 or so people on the flight, so we ALL had a section of seats to ourselves. Which, I can now confirm is the best way to spend a flight, alone, not talking to anyone stretched out across 3 seats like a fucking princess.

But DJMRW keeps looking over at me the entire flight. Not in a checking me out or finding me odd and worth of such observation, but more just... keeping an eye on me.

Which, I found irritating. I was only sitting there, listening to my ipod, reading my fashion magazines. Not Earth shattering shit. In fact, quite normal, borderline shit.

So yeah, I was un-nerved by his "fascination" or irritation with my behavior.

But I let it go, I mean.... it's not like he was ACTUALLY Marc Ronson, right.

NIGHT ONE

The boys in the 'hood.

The neighborhood I am staying in is so lovely.

I mean the people, the food, everything. It is just perfect.

So I went out with my friend to a BBQ. The guys there, mostly in a band called the MO-AGS. Were exceptionally sweet, friendly and hospitable, until I was offered a jello shot that tasted like pure lighter fluid. But that is not their fault. It was the very loud girl who made said shots, it was her fault.

Sadly, I suffered from a case of too much too fast, the flight the drinking, the not eating... caught up with me and I was a bit of a mess.... not a vomming, stumbling mess but a tired, untalkitive freaking out mess.

NIGHT TWO

We headed over to La Poubelle.

This great cozy bar/restaurant.

We met up with a few of her friends for a pre-birthday celebration for me.

It was all fun and games and drinks, until a boy in the group crossed a line. He pulled a little Mean Girls move that landed him in Social Siberia with my friend. But seeing how she is of the forgiving kind... she didn't totally out him there.

She and I were heading back to her house after a serious bout of Martini-itus. Mine being of the Suped-up Cosmo variety and hers of Supa-dirty variety.

As we head back we invite the MGB (Mean Girls boy) back up.

Now before the porno music starts rolling in your head, it is not like that. I am not like that. She is not like that; WE are not like that.

However, we were all very very drunk.

MGB decided to sit a little close, to me. And got too snuggle-y, with me.

MGB got thrown out on his ass.

My friend and I hold no animosity toward one another. And we both have total respect for eachother and eachothers choice of boys.

That being said, MGB making such an error in judgment... well... got him kicked out.

And as he was being kicked out, the defensive innocence on his face (well practiced, possibly, he is an actor). As he repeatedly told my friend "Wait" "Listen" "But I love you" she repeatedly told him "Stop" "Shut up" "No" and "Just leave".

There is a chance this was all a huge drunken misunderstanding by all of us. But regardless... if you are hooking up with my BFFFE and then turn your attentions to me... expect to be thrown out. Seriously.

*note since then the issue has been cleared up

NIGHT THREE

We stayed in.

We watched a ton of TV and cooked and ate.

It was nice. I love playing catch up.

Plus, we needed the night off to prepare for my Birthday.

MY BIRTHDAY

We were up early (because we were not sleeping off some booze). We spent the day shopping and cruising Los Feliz (the Happy). I picked up some great jewelry, vintage tees, and books as a birthday present to myself. I got a GORGEOUS cake (white cake with lemon custard and raspberry filling). Had a champagne filled lunch. Came home. and Got ready to go out.

We landed ourselves at La Poubelle, with drinks flowing and friends showing up.

I met some people, though I can't really recall the names. I was on a lemon-drop high.

But the people I met... wow.

The ladies were lovely. The bartenders fantastic, plying me with lemon drops and chocolate cake shots.

The dudes... there was IINU (Interested IN u) the guy who kept asking me so many questions about myself, it felt like a Proust survey. I don't doubt he was interested. But there was such a level of intensity to his pressings that I found it... alarming in my drunken state. I hope I came across as polite. I know I gave him the address for this blog... I hope he enjoyed it.

There was AM (Actor Man) a guy who was pretty much in love with my friend. Which I adore watching. I love to watch them fawn all over her and then fall powerless to her feminine wiles. It is fascinating. I understand it though, the dark hair (long and healthy), great skin (olive complected and blemish free) and startling green eyes, it is a tough package to disagree with. Unless you are just not into attractive women. There was YM (yoga man), the friend to AM who was into me. YM was attractive, tall enough, tan enough... with the body of an yogi. However, him telling me how he lives in a tent, in topanga canyon... kinda put me off. Also a desire to live in a yurt. And how he just got back from a week long intensive yoga retreat in Joshua Tree was off putting as well.

*I never thought I would have to make living in an actual dwelling a requirement to date me... but yeah. I do now.

So now you're caught up.

Between the boys and the booze... and a total recovery day yesterday.....

And now today, with everything fun and new still waiting to happen.....

The Most Selfish Thing I've Ever Done

Well... Once again I have been neglectful.

Somehow, my life keeps getting in the way of my writing. I mean, I should be out living... or else I wont have anything to write about.

I had a melt down yesterday.
A total full on shit-losing affair about my trip.

I backed out.
I changed my trip... 2 days before hand.

I had been planning to MKSA. In Boston.
MKSA got himself into trouble... I won't detail it (it is none of your business) but suffice to say, homeboy is without a car and a place to live.
NOT COOL.
You cannot make such errors in judgment when you have someone coming halfway across the country to see your ass and see you for 10days. You. Just. Can't.
So. I thought I could be cool with it, be all hippie and bohemian about not having a place to stay at nailed down.
I couldn't.
I thought I could deal with the fact that he hadn't really talked to me for like 2 weeks (only once to say he was in trouble and another to say I should calm the fuck down).
NOPE.
All of this, plays into yesterdays meltdown.

It hit me yesterday that he hasn't grown up or changed (much).
I just... I couldn't deal.
I mean, I knew I had built him up in my mind. I knew I had built the trip up in my mind.
I was also pretty convinced nothing would live up to the image I had developed in my head.

So... I changed my flight today.
I am going elsewhere to see my BFFFE.

Maybe this makes me a bitch.
Maybe this is the most "selfish" thing I have ever done.
But you know what....
This is my time. My money. My vacation.
I want to be HAPPY. I want to spend it with people who I know LOVE me, regardless of anything. I want to have fun. I want to... I want it to be a vacation.
I work way too much and way too hard to be worried on my vacation about where I am staying.

I reserve the right to do what I want to do.
If you make stupid decisions, and expect to be rewarded with my presence... you are seriously delusional.
Plus, no "guest" wants to have to drop 600+ dollars on places to stay when that was not part of the plan... at all when the plan was made.

So, I got a new plan.
A better plan.
A GUARANTEED good time  :)

I realize the illusions of romance I had were.... just that. Illusions.
I wanted to see something in someone soooo bad.
I was in a lonely place, still wounded from a shitty breakup. I wanted something comfortable and familiar. I wanted something that couldn't hurt me.
It is really hard to hurt someone from 1000's of miles away.
I bought into it.
I turned a blind eye.
And I got disappointed.

Correction... I was almost disappointed.
I acted, and got the fuck out.

Drought

With Tax-Free weekend behind me, I am out of retail hell until November.

But between now and then I have a few work things to do (evaluations and homework for a company meeting/retreat) BUT more importantly I have a vacation that is happening in 16 days.

I am working really hard to NOT check out.

But... It might happen.

Last entry I covered my hilarious and irrational travel fears... well... now, there is has been an added one. Things have happened and I will have to get a hotel room for like 10 days. Which, is really, all well and good. I love hotels (when they don't suck or are dirty or they forget to change my sheets and give me towels).

However, booking one from a zillion miles away is proving both problematic and not budget friendly. I had budgeted for a FEW nights stay, not my entire stay.

AND seeing how it is my vacation I am thinking about winging it.

Yeah, winging it.

I normally plan an entire trip out. Down to the last details.

Well. Not this time.

Let's pretend I am not totally terrified of sharing my personal info over the webs.... And even if that is my reason for doing it... So be it.

I feel like I need that type of adventure again.

I need a little unpredictable.

Because, seriously, things are majorly predictable around here. Boringly predictable.

LAME.

So how does this tie back to relationships/help etc.

Well...

MKSA and I were pretty good about solving our problems together. So, I am sure we will be able to figure things out.

But more importantly, no one wants to be in a boring/predictable relationship.

I am not dismissing the benefits of stable, balanced and a certain amount of predictable that come with the life of a long term relationship. If every Thursday night is Chinese take out and movie night... then that's your thing.

I just need more variety than that. At least rotate the take out. I much prefer pizza to Chinese.

Same goes with in the bedroom.

You need A LITTLE spice in there.

I am not going to quantify what or how much spice is needed. But lights off, under the covers, missionary all the time wont cut it... FOR ANYONE.

I am not saying you need to go full on BDSM in there... so you know what I mean.

I've always seen boring and routine in relationships as fuel for the breakup fire.

I managed to keep my mouth shut about partners lack of prowess in the bedroom... to them. In the heat of many a fight I didn't throw out their literal "short-cummings." I kept it, knowing all the little white lies we girls tell in the dark of the boudoir were for his ego, and for my secret knowing for the lack of fireworks the next girl will see.

And again, I could blast a few of those non-dutiful dudes here.

But I wont.

I much more enjoy the squirming I know they are doing wondering "Is it me? Was it the guy before me? Couldn't be me..."

Boys forget we sometimes lie for sport.

Not HUGE lies (like a pregnancy scare-- that's just fucked up) but little ones... like about size, shape, ability and how you are the best we've ever had blah blah blah how much we enjoyed your foot fetish blah blah blah.

When really... we don't like it, you're not good at it and it creeps us out.