Hunting.

The trill of the hunt is what drives us. Right?

I mean, boys want girls that they can't have or doesn't want them right now... and well, we women love being the object of affection/attention.

But, I think it boils down more to what exactly we are hunting for. I mean clearly some are on a mission just for sex, a good time, a good night or a good partner.

To be honest (which is all I do here), I want to find all of that-- in one person. Which, I realize is a fucking stretch. But why?

Why is it so much to ask that someone be good (low end spectrum of tolerance) at sex, a good time, a good sleeping partner (actual sleeping) and a generally good person to be in a relationship with... I feel like I am reaching for the stars with that.

I think I have a certain amount of naivete on my side-- despite all the shit that I have been through relationship wise. I think that comes from good (subjective term) relationship models (everyone on my mother's side is married, together and seemingly happy), and an un-healthy diet of classic literature where everything is redeemable/fixable/un-regrettable and obstacle free.

But after everything I have been through in my relationships, I don't want to settle for a man (yes, MAN-- not a boy, not a dude). I mean, I've come close to settling. Trust me.

Due to the extreme amount of lying/fronting/faking (the faking on my part) I have actually become A LOT better at spotting them.

Now, here I could go through the various list of cads I have dated... and full on disclose their lying/fronting/faking deeds. But I wont.

In stead, I will say what I did.

I've:

- faked being cool with disinterest in me.

- faked being cool with driving half-way around the world multiple times for multiple dudes.

- fronted that the relationship wasn't a sham.

- fronted that things were ok when they were falling apart.

- fronted that no one else knew what was going one.

- fronted that I had no clue what was going on, when I had a clue, the truth and the proof.

See.. I can see that we are all guilty of it. Only... I didn't pretend to be someone I'm not, I didn't lie to cover up what I was doing.

And maybe I am trying clean the slate, a little, since I found a new guy that I am really into. And, I am not fronting with this guy. I am totally me. 100% me. even more so than with every other guy. I don't edit myself at all with him. I misspell things, say the wrong thing, and speak without thinking. And, he admits to liking me for it. Which I still find shocking, but exciting.

I mean he appreciates my thoughtful phrasings, gets my jokes and gets the stuff that I am into. Maybe he is too good to be true... Maybe it is all just a sham to get into my pants. But it is a sham I am buying into.

And there was some conversational overlap with MKSA.

Which. THAT is... an accident. I was talking to both of them. However, I was dating neither of them. And I know that seems a bit, shady. But MKSA ha his shot, 2. actually... And as much as I adore(d) him. He fronted this time around, and lost me. Do not front. It is not worth it.

And well, this new one (without a moniker still) is someone I have cultivated a friendship with. We are actual friends. Only recently, to me, has there been the development of something more. I am not sure how much more, but I am not ready to lose sleep over that yet. But I like the prospect of something actually new, something history-free and for someone to learn/get to know me for me (the version apparently no ex could with).

Now, I realize I am probably sounding bitter... And maybe I am, a little. But I am a grown woman how knows that happily ever after is a long sought after myth, so I take it with a grain of salt.

But all myths started with some basis of truth. Right?