Fits and Starts and an Accidental Recipe for Success

I have a problem with follow through sometimes. I mean, I have a short list of projects to start or are half started. Like, the table I have that I want to tile the top of with a mosaic. Or the pile of prints I've done that STILL need frames...

But, readers, my lack of craftsmanship is not the topic here. The first is the "fits and starts."

I feel like I am always starting something, that eventually fizzles out and then I have to start again... Photography, an on going hobby/venture of mine. I pick up my camera for a bout a week a month now... When I used to have it glued to my hands. Have my interests changed? No. What I really feel is a lack of inspiration. I'm used to operating (and an artistic sense) from a place of pain/hurt/anger. And now... I have a lack of those things (not complaining), so how do I operate from a place of stability with no emotional extremes? Yeah, I have no idea either. I feel it actually shows in the work. I mean, the pictures I've taken have come out flat, dull and pretty uninteresting. Which is kinda how my life is right now... it really has the personality of a Malto-Meal . Before you add the peanut butter/brown sugar/etc.

Only recently have I been able to write.

And it is not filled with passion or rage or what-have-you, but rather delicate reflective observations from my vantage point.

Which, I can say, I have not had this level of clarity in my writing in a long time. So many times the writing has had an emotional edge and urgency to it. Now, not so much.

I take it back.

It did.

Until I head this song, Since You're Gone by The Pretty Reckless.

The lead songstress wails about not that you're gone her life has moved along. And all the "awesome" shit that has gone down since.

NOW.

I like to think that everyone who crosses your life path has done so for a reason... I mean there is a reason I still have the business card for Christina the Aura Reader... and haven't used it yet. I never really felt like people in your life were proverbial roadblocks to success... until now.

I mean, in the last 6-7 months I have had a LOT of success.

Quick recap.

MY SUCCESSES

1. Trip to California to see best friend
2. Interview at current company home office for major job
3. Interim promotion at work for almost 3 months (april till june)
4. Promotion at work (official)
5. Raise at work
6. Loss of 15 pounds (yay! back to college weight)
7. Loss of 2-3 pant/dress sizes (back to college size)
8. Point person for Q&A for work colleagues
9. Gaining of friends
10. Trip to see MKSA in September

Yeah... I'll agree since you've been gone my life has moved along quite nicely.

I will take a nano second to gloat.

I have no proof this amount of success is one sided. In fact, maybe his life has moved along nicely as well... maybe he has found a nice girl that meets all his needs and blah blah blah blah....

Yeah. This isn't about him.

It's about me.

NOW, maybe you're asking yourself, how you too can be this successful in your life.

The answer is I don't know.

I mean, here is what I did:

1. Have a massive heart-break
2. Partially heal
3. Go back to said heart-breaker
4. Hit emotional rock bottom
5. take a vacation and have total emotional makeover due to supportive friends
6. come back from vaca ready to take on the world
7. find out you're in charge at work (indefinitely)
8. have daily panic attacks
9. be too tired-sleep-deprived-exhausted to eat
10. do month long intensive Bikram yoga program that starts a bodily make over that instantly stopped all craving for fast food and sugar but brought cravings of water. just water.
11. Drink gallons of water daily
12. get promoted at work to where you are at stress level that eliminates sleep, and ability to eat because you don't have time or are too tired
13. wake up one day and realize all your clothes are too big

TADA!!!!

NOW... I do not recommend this method, I am not a doctor, but I am pretty sure this is NOT HEALTHY.

So yeah.

I'm happier than I have been in a long time and skinnier than I have been since... Oh, I don't know, 2007?!

So, in summation:

It doesn't matter what you do or don't start (or finish) things will eventually move in and out of the way for you to get the success you have worked your fucking ass of for.

Totally motivational, right?

Back to Basics

I guess I need to re-explain myself here...

This blog, this little bit o' web-space, is about ME. There is a reason I have been calling this SELFISH HELP from the beginning. It is about me. The one place I make exclusively about me. I have had some interesting comments and emails about this site, none interesting enough to quote, but not everyone is the wordsmith that I am.

So, once again, let me re-state, THIS IS SELFISH HELP. I admit, I took a break from my emotional rehab to bitch about work and then wax poetically about MKSA. But that is not what the blog is about, and I migrated away from the original point. And for that, loyal readers, I apologize.

I will not, however, apologize for what I have written already.

I carefully (most of the time) construct every blog to be a direct reflection of my emotional state. I won't apologize for feelings I've hurt along the way, because odds are if you are a reader-- and you feel like you've had your feelings "hurt" by these words then step back and think if you hurt MY feelings somewhere down the line. Then get back to me. And if, it turns out by some freakish act of the powers that be that you haven't hurt me... then I will craft you an apology LETTER (with a stamp) so amazing that even Ms. Emily Post would be impressed.

NOW, there, that's over.

I can get back to what I wanted to say from the beginning.

Back to Basics (as the title would suggest), is exactly what I am trying to do.

I got an amazing promotion at work, so that really takes part of load of my shoulders but adds another. And I actually found something that resembles a relationship, even if it is not the most traditional.

What does that mean? Well, kiddos. It means.... yeah, I don't know, exactly. It means regular and open communication with another person (yes, a dude) with amorous tones and subtext. Something I have not had in a very long time... that wasn't with out conditions and a ton of strings attached. This, lacks obligation... rather we feel we owe it to one another (another first), and owe out of respect and mutual feeling instead of... payment? fear? commitment? or any of the zillion other reasons people will sometimes ineffectually throw themselves together.

But again, that's not basic... that's some advanced level shit.

Basics. Why is it seems the basics are so hard to master... women understand, the fundamentals of perfectly functional yet versatile wardrobe are damn near impossible to find... seriously, the little black dress, the perfect black pump, the perfect pair of non-schlumpy jeans.

I am finding the same thing true in relationships.

Maybe it is the years of disastrous relationships I have willingly (and not so willingly in some cases) have put myself through. But I know I will never be that open-hearted-hang-on-every-word in love girl that I once was. And I suppose that is something you are eventually "supposed" to grow out of. Is it wrong that I didn't want to?

Is it wrong that I really really do not care of the varying levels of hell various ex's have put me through, and I have been working really really hard to undo their work? I really don't think so.

I really think that you should not place your baggage on a new flame... But how do you not? How do you not keep your guard up and eyes peeled for all those red flags you missed before. Truthfully, before now I would have said I don't think you can. But, now, I think with enough time and healing (healing most importantly) you can. True, it wont ever be perfect. I mean, sure, bells and whistles will still go off if he doesn't come home, and certain phrases will make ice course through your veins....

That's WHY I started this blog.

I wanted to get myself back.

I had given so much away to sooooooooo many liars/cheaters/bums/losers/creeps/jerks/fuckwits. That I really didn't know what was going on with me anymore. I was a mess of manifested insecurities (some original, mostly minted from relationships past). And this last heartbreak did me in. It literally broke me (a credit I do not want to give that guy, he doesn't deserve it-- I always figured the breaking would be done by a much stronger man). But here I am, 6-7 months past that, pretty much feeling better than ever. I wont lie, and say I never think about these men (which NONE of them deserve to be called, boys possibly guys/dudes at best). I do, and never fondly.

Some people think I started this to get even with a guy.

Honestly, yeah, a tiny vengeful part of me wanted to blog him into internet oblivion (or submission). And I didn't. I instead, put myself out there knowing people could identify with me, and my side.

Because deep down (with all of these guys) once there was a time when I could say I was your friend and you were mine. But that is history. That is something we both know we won't get back. And I know I'll never know the reason why you thought

That you could hang me out to dry for everyone to see, make a fool out of me, ruin me, degrade me, screw me (or not)...Did you think that I'd really just lay down and take it? That some how no damage was inflicted?
Fuck that. I mean, really... all of these guys had me apologizing for everything, sometimes my own presence in the the fucking room. And congrats to them, for being able to get out with no damage done. And many have moved along. It just, to me seems unfair that in the long run, I am still here feeling the effects (and not in a good way).

This is where it evens out, I know (hope/pray) that they get their due. And I know it wont be by my hand.

This could have been forum for me to air out each and every single one of there secrets, lies, and misdeeds. Which, would work in favor of any new women in their lives that wanted to Google them. But I didn't.

OH sure, I used some initials... but it's not like I linked their Facebooks to the page (another move I contemplated and rejected after .238 seconds).

So word to the wise (and the not so wise) just because I play nice (nice-er) doesn't mean every girl will. And if fan clubs in your honor pop up on various social networking sites because of all the other shit you all have done to other women.... I can neither confirm nor deny that I would lobby for an admin position... possibly anonymously.

Head Space

I've been counting down the days till my vacation to see MKSA (My Knight in Shining Armor).

It is 70 days as of tomorrow.

Good news is, June flew by, bad news... 70 days seems like, oh, I don't know, a third of a year??

I mean, here it is on a Friday night and I have been powering away on work stuff (since like 830pm), because I have no life (at least not social). While everyone else I know is out doing whatever it is people do on a Friday night.

But you know, I don't care.

I mean, I do... in a way. But I don't.

There are a few people (BFFFE and MKSA) that I want to spend my limited time off with... and well, they live on opposite coasts from me and I split the difference between them.

That is why, I don't really care that I am posted up in a both at Denny's killing some scheds for work instead of going out with friends as a pre-party for the Fourth of July.

Ok... so maybe I could have used a beer to do this.

But instead I have like an hour long phone chat with MKSA.

That makes me feel better then most beers could.

That is all beside the point. Moving on.

Last post, I talked about the start of MKSA and I. I, in theory, should be telling you about the middle. But instead, I'd rather talk about the music.

I know a lot of people associate music with a memory... well, consider the discography of the middle of our relationship:

Delicious Tunes for the Middle of the Relationship

Regina Spector, Begin to Hope: "Fidelity" "Samson"

The Sounds, Dying to Say this to You

Morningwood, Morningwood: "Take Off Your Clothes"

Kings of Leon: Aha Shake Heartbreak: "Milk" "King of the Rodeo" "Taper Jean Girl"

Leona Naes: I Tried to Rock You...: "Blue Eyed Baby"

The Cars: "Just What I Needed" "Dangerous Type"

The Killers: Previous Age "Bones"

The Killers: Sam's Town "When You Were Young"

Fall Out Boy: Infinity on High "America's Suitehearts" "Sugar We're Going Down Swinging"

My music tastes have changed... a little. Heh. But ALL of these are still in my iPod on heavy rotation. And I dig it.

It gives (gave) me a chance to think about MKSA a little bit everyday.

Fork in the Road, Spoon in the Sky...Plate is Home

Another day... another new adult problem (so seemingly problem).

I realize I have gotten ahead of myself here. Posting about this affection I am giving to a man (I would say another, but that would imply I have one currently... and I don't. Unless you count the one I have been talking about and well that is really complicated and far away and *breathe*).... Yeah, emotional/mental circle there.

I guess this is where I tell what's going on.

Part of me doesn't want to tell... I mean, talking about it makes it real (more real?), and I am really enjoying the slightly intangible quality this has.

But I guess I really do owe all you faithful readers (I was very popular is Malaysia this past week).

I can really only speak on my side of things... After all this is all about me and my life all the time (at least @ GFY).

The Start

I guess, in true definition this all started way back when I lived in New Mexico. Which now, that feels like a zillion years ago... back when I was like 21/22/23... early twenties. Fresh off the crushing heartbreak of my Ex-Fiancee. I can fully admit now, New Mexico was a way to avoid him and anything related to him. But that is so far back in my past (to me) and it is pulling me away from the story at hand.

So, in New Mexico we met. No lie, I was immediately attracted to him... but somehow things kept happening to where there was someone between me and him. Primarily his sketch neighbor(s) who seriously thought I was "after them" and wanted to "be with them" ... misunderstanding is an understatement for that situation. I can say that said neighbors did not take the news well (at all) when I politely told them that I wanted nothing to do with either of them, ever and to kindly remove all of their belonging from my residence. In having this conversation, MKSA (My Knight in Shining Armor) heard what was happening and came to my aide. The long and short of it... MKSA took a punch to the face for me, to protect me (I was somehow able to stand prepared to take the hit myself unflinchingly-- a moment that still amazes me).

I would say it was specifically this that won my heart, and in a way it was-- to this day no man (or boy) has defended my honor and protected me like that-- but there was more to it. The "more" was him... I adored his patchwork of tattoos, his languid lanky ways and his blue eyes, which depending on the scene would be bright sky blue to the blue-green of sea-glass... Yes, I realize all that is physical. But that's what go my attention. After getting to know him (which started with buying him a couple of beers for taking a hit), I knew what everyone else didn't, he was a smart guy (it was a very common assumption that he was not smart-- which was mostly an act, and/or refusal to actually correct anyone otherwise), and a really caring guy (it was another common assumption that he was notoriously selfish-- not at all). I could keep going... but, why? It's not like you know him. But you get the picture now... tattoo'd good-looking-smart-caring guy.

Skip ahead past the friendly getting to know you bit, and jump to the part where we started dating.

I don't remember exactly how it started... I wish I could and I hope the memory resurfaces again. But he asked me out on a date, a real date. I remember it was back when I worked for the Sangre de Cristo Chronicle. And I had an assignment to do on the Holiday Festivus (aka Christmas Extravaganza). I don't remember what night it was... But we went over the mountain, and it was starting to snow, just a little. And we were in his vehicle (a Jeep something or another), and he was driving. We had the music on, and he held my hand most of the drive there... And well, I seriously am a sucker for hand holding. I find immense comfort in holding the hand of one I am with, sweaty palms and all (not my favorite part, but hazard of young love). I can still remember how his hand felt in mine. He had rough palms and the pads of his fingers were slightly callused. I remember how that felt across the top of my hand the way his thumb brushed mine. (AND NO, I am not making this up... I have way more important shit to be doing that make up fake poetic waxings).

We went to dinner and heard some band play, we had a few drinks (we both shared a love for whiskey, which I've since changed to Vodka... but am considering switching back....). And we stepped out of the restaurant into the cool November air and these tiny little flakes were falling from the sky, not sticking... it still wasn't quite cold enough for that. And we saw the downtown square light up in it's Xmas glory with the plywood cut outs and strings of lights... We wandered over so I could take pictures (after a few drinks, Xmas lights look amazing, try to tell me different.) and we saw this little herd of deer wandering around the square, totally unafraid of me and my cohort and camera.

I remember the soft shadows the combination of lights and moon created, I remember his hand in mine and his arms around my waist. I remember the quite of the night except faint wind bring the music from the saloon (yes the saloon, you have to have been there) and the breathing of deer and muffled sounds of their hooves.

This night stands out so clear in my memory, if I concentrate on it hard enough I can feel the cold and smell the pine. It is like it was just a few days ago...

I will never forget what he said as we watched the deer get bored with us intruding on them. "Isn't this romantic... you know, if you were into that kind of thing" and my reply "Yeah... It's a good thing we aren't into that."

And then we drove back....

That was the start... all those years ago.

My Life, is like an SNL Sketch

Sometimes... my life is hilarious, and if it wasn't do damn funny, well... it would just be true.

For example:

Promotion
As of today, I have been promoted (insert fireworks and confetti explosion here).
However, I have elected to keep my mouth shut about it until the official email stating such facts has rolled through to other stores.
Now, maybe you're wondering why I am doing this... well, I don't want to seem like I am bragging (that's gay), and today is my day off. Soooo... yeah. I'm a bit lazy. And while I am very excited about this I am equally wary of the reaction it will garner. But then again, maybe a parade will be thrown in my honor and I will be presented with giant golden keys and a plaque. Who knows... I tend to prepare for the worst.

Getting Hit On
Today, while out running errands I was hit on.
No big deal, it happens occasionally. I however, tend to not realize it is happening till I am half-way or more into the conversation. Some how I just think people are polite and only moderately interested in what I have to say and have very little interest of getting into my pants.
The guy who approached me was handsome (6 foot plus, sandy brown/blonde hair, green/hazel eyes, and of solid muscular build), not the usual guy that talks to me, more the type that goes for my BFFFE (remember Best Friend for F**king Ever). He talks to me about my tattoos and piercings (totally normal, I hear about it all day everyday at work. So much so, I have an auto-play button for answers of FAQ's). He has a thick accent, that falls between European and Middle Eastern... as it turns out, he was Israeli.
This, is funny to me because I pretty much have a list of countries that are tagged because a man from that country has hit on me or I have dated them... my foreign count is much much higher than my American count, to date.

So, yeah... today has been a little out there... Not exactly my typical day off...

And apparently there is a "party" I have been invited to on Friday or Saturday...
Aaaaaaannnnnnnnd.... I have NO intention of going. No matter how many times I am MMS pictures of an invite, emailed, e-vited, whatever.

Nope. Not. Going.


Not unless I can convince the Israeli guy to go with me as a body guard.

I was going to ride a wave... but now... not so much

I had been drafting this blog about riding a wave and gaining strength, but now, after some tough work, heavy reading and soul searching... I'm not.

Instead. I am thinking about all the little lies past lovers have told me.

I have been told by all past lovers that they'll love me (some for forever, apparently), take care of me and never hurt me. In the end, it is an epic fail on all counts. Those little lies, no matter how truthful in the beginning are a lie in the end.

Well... readers, the joke is on them. I've been telling the biggest lie all along.

I said I love you. I've said it quite a bit. But it's a lie.

Yep. I can tell you it is a LIE. I may have felt lovingly for you, I may have esteemed you, but I sure as hell was not in love with you (thanks to retrospect).

The joke is on them.

The last LOVE I really felt, still belongs to that person. It was what I am convinced love really is; the deep deep feeling of caring and an innate sense of wanting to both care for and protect another person from themselves, the outside and from anything that could hurt them physically mentally emotionally. It is also the make no demands relationship, all you want is the best for each person with no desire to alter or change the person, but for them to be themselves just as they are (thanks Bridg).

One person was given that, they still have it.

It had been previously locked away to keep anyone from touching it. I will be damned if anyone ruins that love for me.

All the others since, have gotten some bargain bin version of my love.

Or off brand version... either way, it isn't the same. It isn't as free, it isn't as forgiving and it sure as fuck isn't as lasting.

So, boys... if I said I love you.

I lied.

Save for one boy who still has a complete hold on my heart and his initial on my thigh.

no web

Have had no time to post because of work :(

Promise new real post tomorrow. So much to share!!